A Life of Illusion

"We let people invent us as they please.  The truth we keep to ourselves."
 (from the book Visitation Street by Ivy Pochada)

More on the above quote later - it's more important to let you know that my most recent PET/CT results were pretty good.  Not quite as good as my last couple of scans (in which no progression at all occurred) but nothing that would lead to a change in treatment protocol at all.  Simply a slight (the report refers to it as "insignificant") brightening of a couple of the existing tumors.  NO new tumors, NO lymph node involvement, NO activity in any of the major organs (Hey!  No jokes about "no brain activity!").  The onc says to continue with the current chemo regimen and we'll talk in October about whether or not I want to radiate the large tumor in my scapula (we have discussed this regularly at our visits) as a preventive measure.  So once again I am freed from the immediate contemplation of my own mortality and I can live the next few months in blissful denial of my cancer and its inevitable outcome.

I spent this evening going back and re-reading many of my older posts, sort of re-visiting the journey so far (hey bonus - right? - that it's not over).  My overwhelming thought after reading them (especially the earliest posts) was how difficult it had to have been for many of you to read about my illness, its treatments, and the raw emotions associated with both.  I notice (as I mentioned in my last post) that I have spent more time recently writing about events vs. feelings and it gave me over to wonder - am I doing that to spare you all?  To spare myself the difficulties of introspection?  If I keep the truths to myself - if I let you "invent" me - will it make it easier on us all to continue the journey towards the inevitable?  If I'm not happy - will you still love me? (Um, I'm sure you all get that these questions are rhetorical...)

Enough armchair psychology or I'll start to expound upon why I believe that one reason Walter White is breaking bad is in order to push those he loves away from him (indeed, to make them hate him) before he dies so they won't miss him as much - oh yeah, been there (and for the record I'm totally Team Jesse for those of you who are as obsessed with this show as I am).  As always, it does help to "blog it out" when I'm feeling anxious, knowing that you my faithful friends and readers see past the temporary darkness in me to the truer, happier light within.

Blessings and Love to All.