Mother and Child Reunion

We are at TGI Friday's and I am listening to Taryn tell me stories about her friends and classmates at Maryland. She doesn't like to talk about her classes or what she is learning or her grades or her professors when she is with me. And no matter how much I ask about her academics she will find a way to turn the conversation back to her social life, to shopping, to sports, to music, to movies, to family...to anything except school.

When she was in high school (around the time I was realizing that my cancer was treatable but incurable) this drove me nuts - I thought she was unfocused, unambitious, squandering her potential, not properly preparing for the future, putting herself in a position where her choices would be limited despite her obvious intelligence. I was fearful every day that she would be unprepared to deal with life without me in it; that she would be unsuccessful; that she would end up married to some loser and working at King Kullen barely able to make ends meet. It has taken me several years to realize just how much she has prepared herself for a life without me and how much my illness has guided her actions.

Her friends - they are the family she will need to lean on when the time comes that I finally succumb to either cancer or its complications. As much as she loves her father and Warren and Ian and her aunts and uncles and cousins, the reality is she (along with all our children) is forging her own life and her own path. She will spend more time with her friends in the next few years than she will with us. Is it any wonder that those connections are of paramount importance to her? That she is compelled to work diligently on creating and maintaining those relationships? That making sure there is a network of love and caring surrounding her, protecting her, supporting her takes precedence over tests and essays? She (subconsciously) has been quite successful defining her priorities and executing a plan to achieve them. I just didn't get that at first.

I am a planner, a scheduler, an achiever, an organizer, a saver, a list-maker, a prioritizer. None of which was enough to stave off cancer. Taryn understands this all too well and so lives for the moment. She has one simple desire - to be happy today. And although she knows that's not always how the day turns out (yes, sometimes she does have to go to class even when she doesn't want to!), she starts each day believing that she can achieve happiness. And knowing what I know now about the nature of my disease, particularly the likelihood that it will shorten my life significantly, I often wish I'd been a little more like her, not because I'm particularly unhappy (quite the opposite actually) but because I didn't always appreciate the here and now.

Which is why, driving down to Maryland today, I made it a point to look around and enjoy the brushstrokes of the day - the greening of the leaves, sunlight reflecting crystals off the river, cotton puffs of clouds lazily traversing the sky, yellow mums blooming in the "M" on the campus green. I tuned my iPod to my favorite songs, I sang out loud, I ate as many jellybeans as I wanted, and I happily and proudly listened to Taryn tell me stories about her friends and classmates at Maryland.

Prayers for John, Donovan, Brennan, Gavin and the entire Billings family who are mourning the loss of Sherri this past week. We hope they are comforted by their many memories and the knowledge that she is safe in God's loving arms. A few extra prayers as well for Charles Doonan - may recovery become a realization very soon so that his family can once again enjoy his company.

Blessings and Love to All.

The Warrior

And once again, I have kicked cancer's ass - at least for the time being.

I went to see my oncologist today and was rewarded with the news that my latest PET/CT scan came back with no evidence of disease. I must admit, waiting for her to enter the exam room is nerve-wracking. Numerous iterations of "Bad news - it's back" tumble around in my mind while I'm waiting for her to come in, my blood pressure shoots way above normal, and her nurse gives absolutely no clues as to what the report contains. She's a crafty one too (the nurse), did not take the bait when I mentioned that my oral surgeon was prepared to do the dental implants "once I get a clean scan" and I KNOW she knows because her name is at the bottom of the written reports each time I get my copy since she prints them out for the doctor. She merely smiled and said "Sounds like a plan! Dr. Lu will be in shortly!" So I wait, and the doctor comes in and breezily announces that everything looks great on the PET, hands me a copy of the report for my own records, gets done with the exam (I remind her that I need blood work done next time) and says see you in 3 months. The battle is won - the war continues.

Taryn turned 19 last week - another birthday that, at points in my life, I didn't think I'd get to see. So I am thankful and tearful and joyful and grateful. Oh yeah - and broke. That kid has a pretty big birthday wish list (and we all now how hard it is for me to say no to my princess).

Friday night my yoga instructor read us an article she found particularly inspiring, about taking time to share the good things we find in life with others. And one phrase she read really struck me. I don't fully remember the context (spending time afterwards in Downward-facing Dog and Peaceful Warrior robbed me of some of the memory of what she read) , but the description was of "a love affair with life" and it perfectly captures how I feel (most of the time at least). I contemplate this gift of life often (probably more often than is healthy truth be told) and am awed by how much I truly do just love to breathe. In and out and in and out (OK right I know there's no other real way to breathe, probably didn't need to offer up a description) and I'm not talking about the things I like to do or see or feel or taste in life - it is life itself that makes me giddy and I suppose it's why that phrase spoke to me as it did. A love affair with life. Hey, at least it won't cheat on me (yeah, I'm talking to you Jesse James!)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter (or Passover). Spring weather is rapidly approaching (as well as, ahem, a certain bloggers birthday).

Blessings and Love to All.