Poker Face

Spoiler alert - it's all good! (I've learned not to toy with my readers)

Thursday I visited my oncologist for a regular routine follow-up visit, not really expecting anything unusual, but never really at ease until I actually leave the building (and then only if no bad news has been imparted). She did the physical exam, satisfied with the results, then sat down and said, "I think we need to do another PET/CT."

I remain impassive - on the outside. My heart leaps into my throat, my mind moves into overdrive imagining out-of-control tumor markers and another round of slash-burn-poison (where is it this time? is it even operable?), my palms start to get sweaty, my mouth gets dry (oh, wait, it's already dry because of the radiation aftereffects. Nevertheless...). None of this is evident to my doctor as I ask in a calm voice whether there's a reason we need to do it right now. She looks surprised and I suddenly realize she means she wants another PET/CT at the usual 6-month mark in September, not right now. She notes that everything is fine physically, I have no evidence of any symptoms (I ruefully note to her that I've been gaining weight, not losing weight), and that my last PET/CT was "absolutely perfect" as she put it. She wasn't even terribly concerned about my recent blood work, telling me that she didn't have the report from the lab yet but her nurse coordinator would get a copy and mail it to me. Dare I say she was even a little bit giddy about my current N.E.D. status? I do dare!

I leave shortly thereafter, my internal drama hidden from view, my heart rate returning to normal, my mind already moving on and looking to the evening ahead (gotta find out where LeBron's gonna go!). And...no reason to think that I need to fold 'em and cash in my chips yet. The game of life continues.

Blessings and Love to All.

See Emily Play

Today is Emily's 21st birthday. Yet another milestone I get to enjoy, although as always I have mixed feelings. Because as happy as I am to see her turn 21, as wonderful as it is to watch the joy on her face as she opens gifts (yes, still), as much as I am looking forward to her celebration dinner tomorrow night, the reality is every milestone gives me pause to wonder whether I will be able to enjoy the same milestone for Taryn. I have to make a mindful effort to stay in the present - to "Be. Here. Now." - or I run the risk not only of not being able to take pleasure in these special moments in her life, but of being resentful that I might not get the same opportunity with Taryn, who is 2 years younger than Emily. I must remind myself that at one point, I didn't even think I'd make it to Taryn's 8th birthday, much less see her off to college. And yet, here I am.

Mostly I want to enjoy these times with Emily simply because I love her. I love her unique sense of humor, her dogged commitment to her academics, her deep desire to travel, her intense focus when she wants something, her thirst for learning anything and everything, her varying obsessions (shoes one day, a particular website another day, a certain musical artist yet another day. And so on.), her love of storytelling (like her Dad!), her willingness to quickly forgive, her need to change her room around regularly, and her wide-open heart. She eats cupcakes at midnight in Midtown and she buys groceries in Harlem bodegas. She goes to Russia knowing not a soul and she goes to movies by herself. She gets into trouble - but only a little. She delights in giving gifts, and whether or not they make sense to the recipient (Emily CAN have quirky taste sometimes), they are clearly chosen with a great deal of care. She'd rather have a boyfriend than not have one but she's perfectly content when all she has are boy friends. She wants to be there for her little brother and she longs to do good in this world - preferably all over the world. She loves being alone (when she wants to) and she hates being alone (when she doesn't want to). She thinks her Dad is the greatest guy on earth (OK, we agree - he is!). She remembers the tough times in her life and she is grateful for all the good things that have happened in her life. She is 21 years old, the world is her oyster, and lucky me -I'm her stepmom.

Blessings and Love to All.