Oiche Chiuin

It's Gaelic for "Silent Night" and one of the most beautiful renditions I have ever heard - listen to it, when you get a chance, by Enya (I'm listening as I post).  You will be stirred.

Last year, when I was feeling blue around Christmastime, I resolved to reflect more on that for which I was thankful than that which I lacked.  So starting in January I wrote down one thing each day that caused me to feel thankful.  Of course, as with all resolutions a daily notation turned into a weekly one and then a periodic one.  Nevertheless, it's given me the opportunity to look back at all that made this past year special and wonderful (some of which I list below):

On January 2nd I was thankful for blue skies.
On January 21st I was thankful for Jodi.
On February 6th I was thankful for MJ (who kept me from getting too freaked out over a simple stomach virus)
On February 17th I was thankful for a silent house all to myself.
On February 26th I was thankful for new shoes! (OK that might have been posted a few times during the year...)
On March 2nd I was thankful for a parade that made me smile.
On April 19th I was thankful for all of those in law enforcement.
On May 4th I was thankful for the beautiful tree in front of my house.
On May 18th I was thankful for the chance to celebrate another birthday.
On June 9th I was thankful for my GWB teammates Taryn, Chris, John, Warren, Patricia, Joe and Ryan.
On July 10th I was thankful for being able to experience the beauty of Ireland with Taryn and Lisa.
On July 20th I was thankful for my wonderful neighbors.
On August 24th I was thankful for the mother that taught me to work hard and to look good doing it.
On  September 4th I was thankful for being able to watch Addison grow and learn.
On September 25th I was thankful for the New York Yankees
On October 16th I was thankful for dancing in the street.
On October 26th I was thankful to celebrate Ellen and Mark's wedding with my in-laws.
On November 21st I was thankful for the breathtaking and majestic Mt. Rainier
On November 29th I was thankful for Black Friday!
On December 5th I was thankful for good news following my latest PET Scan.
On December 24th - I am thankful for the stunning planet God has fashioned; for the music that makes me want to dance; for the good fortune to be employed; for another year of (relatively) good health; for the friends and neighbors that have stuck by me for years and continue to provide love and support; for the family that both keeps me sane and drives me insane; and for another opportunity to celebrate both the coming of Santa and the holy birth of Jesus.

Blessings and Love to All.

Baby's In The Mountains

There is something about this mountain that stirs my soul.

Perhaps it is because it is so elusive - rare are the days when it is fully visible in and around the Seattle suburb where my cousin resides and where I most recently enjoyed a weeklong visit.  And yet, there it was day after sunny day just urging me to come for a close-up look.  Lisa and I drove up 5,000 or so feet to a mini-summit (called Paradise no less) for a short hike on a glimmering, snowy trail where we admired the views and felt just a little bit closer to Heaven.

I'd been to Mt. Rainier before, during a long-ago summertime visit when the landscape was green and snow only covered the upper most elevations (14,417 feet for those who enjoy their geography facts).  I fell in love with the mountain back then and every visit to Seattle since has included me scanning the skies for a glimpse of its majesty.  I do believe I have successfully viewed it at least once per visit.  Of course this is probably due to the fact that IT DOES NOT RAIN when I go to Seattle - for some reason, the skies remain relatively clear when I'm there.  Call it one of God's little gifts to me.

This visit wasn't only about Rainier - there was plenty of family time (dinners, board games, meeting my little cousin-nieces Sarah, Bella, Mia and Leanne); a road trip to beautiful and historic Victoria, BC with Lisa and Aunt Barbara (where "I'm HUNGRY!" took on new meaning for us and became a rallying cry for the week); an opportunity to catch up with my high school/college friend Laurie, whose friendship is a true source of happiness in my life - and not just because she helps me remember events that I've forgotten (Mick Jagger's car!) but also because we share more than just glory days memories with each other, we share the joys and challenges of our lives today; and even a boozy, raucous night out where Lisa and I prevailed in a barroom trivia contest (2nd place counts, right?) and yes, had ONE too many drinks (c'mon, how could I resist a drink called the Raindrop in Seattle??).

I came to the mountains and the mountains came to me - mountains of fun, mountains of food, mountains of memories (old and new), and mountains of love.  Now if that's not enough to stir your soul, I don't know what is.

(Note:  A break in this post for a shout-out to Taryn, who interrupted me as I was writing and demanded a mention - that's my Princess!)

Back to it - tomorrow is follow-up PET Scan day.  Results in a couple of weeks when I see my onc.  In the meantime, it's Holiday Party season - 4 of them in the next 10 days.  It's also the beginning of Advent season (probably should've noted that before the whole party thing) and in 23 days the second most celebrated birthday in the world (after mine of course).  O Come, O Come Emmanuel.

Blessings and Love to All.

  

Rock and Roll Never Forgets/Dancing In the Street

There is a certain malaise that comes about as a result of the constant attention paid to maintaining survivorship over a long period of time.  It is wearying to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop, when the body is going to give up, when the reports are going to cease to be encouraging, when those fateful words - "You should think about getting your affairs in order" - are finally uttered.  One tends to get...lazy.  And so I have noticed over the years not only the loss of various and sundry body parts, but also the loss of my sense of me (and I'm certain this is not only due to my illness, but also to my advancing age, changed employment circumstances, marital struggles, etc. as well).  Where are the parts of me that I used to love?

While I do try not to dwell on the past too much (and certainly not on the future too much), it occurs to me that a bit of introspection into that area may not be all bad.  Oh, I'm not necessarily interested in a reckoning of my sins (Good Lord, I don't have the time for that lengthy of a blog post) nor am I inclined to wax rhapsodic about the glory days of yore (probably because I don't remember many of them haha).  But I have been interested in examining what "lost" parts of me I would like to reclaim and in implementing changes that, however small, will improve my state of mind.

A couple of weeks ago there was one particular day that was warm and sunny and for whatever reason I decided to do something that I hadn't done in a long time - I rolled down my windows and I turned up the radio and I sang out loud in my car as I was driving from station to station for work.  I blasted Led Zeppelin and Eric Clapton and the Rolling Stones and Pink and Rihanna and Maroon 5.    I played songs that brought back memories ("I Can See Clearly Now" will always remind me of my mother); songs that reminded me of certain people (yeah, I probably have a song or songs in mind for each one of you!); songs that I've used as blog titles (and ones that I envision using as blog titles some day); songs that made me look up at the sky and say "Are you serious God?"; and songs that made me dance (a little bit) in the car while driving (c'mon who could actually stay still while "Walking on Sunshine" is playing?).  I played old favorites ("Shambala"), new favorites ("Everybody Talks"), obscure favorites ("Free Four") and meaningful favorites ("Little Wonders").  And I realized that the girl who was crazy about music for all or most of her life wasn't listening to it, singing it, or dancing to it nearly enough.

So I started running again, as painful as it is, because I run to music and after I get done running I dance in the streets to music (sorry, neighbors, to subject you to such ungraceful movements!) and despite the soreness I am always glad afterwards that I ran.  And I started going to yoga again because it is another part of me that fell by the wayside as I got lazy about taking care of my mental state.  Namaste!  And I am going to Seattle in November because happiness resides there and I deserve the love my family there offers up to me unconditionally.  And I am going to continue to dig around the "past Me" for those other missing pieces (dare I wield a tennis racquet again?) because my happiness is in my hands and no other's.

Blessings and Love to All.

 

A Life of Illusion

"We let people invent us as they please.  The truth we keep to ourselves."
 (from the book Visitation Street by Ivy Pochada)

More on the above quote later - it's more important to let you know that my most recent PET/CT results were pretty good.  Not quite as good as my last couple of scans (in which no progression at all occurred) but nothing that would lead to a change in treatment protocol at all.  Simply a slight (the report refers to it as "insignificant") brightening of a couple of the existing tumors.  NO new tumors, NO lymph node involvement, NO activity in any of the major organs (Hey!  No jokes about "no brain activity!").  The onc says to continue with the current chemo regimen and we'll talk in October about whether or not I want to radiate the large tumor in my scapula (we have discussed this regularly at our visits) as a preventive measure.  So once again I am freed from the immediate contemplation of my own mortality and I can live the next few months in blissful denial of my cancer and its inevitable outcome.

I spent this evening going back and re-reading many of my older posts, sort of re-visiting the journey so far (hey bonus - right? - that it's not over).  My overwhelming thought after reading them (especially the earliest posts) was how difficult it had to have been for many of you to read about my illness, its treatments, and the raw emotions associated with both.  I notice (as I mentioned in my last post) that I have spent more time recently writing about events vs. feelings and it gave me over to wonder - am I doing that to spare you all?  To spare myself the difficulties of introspection?  If I keep the truths to myself - if I let you "invent" me - will it make it easier on us all to continue the journey towards the inevitable?  If I'm not happy - will you still love me? (Um, I'm sure you all get that these questions are rhetorical...)

Enough armchair psychology or I'll start to expound upon why I believe that one reason Walter White is breaking bad is in order to push those he loves away from him (indeed, to make them hate him) before he dies so they won't miss him as much - oh yeah, been there (and for the record I'm totally Team Jesse for those of you who are as obsessed with this show as I am).  As always, it does help to "blog it out" when I'm feeling anxious, knowing that you my faithful friends and readers see past the temporary darkness in me to the truer, happier light within.

Blessings and Love to All.


 

Forty Shades of Green

From the countryside, to the castles, to the pubs there was not one part of our trip to Ireland that I did not love.  OK, well the whole sprained ankle thing I could have done without but even that brought its share of laughs especially when THE VERY NEXT DAY I tumbled unceremoniously down an embankment at St. Mary's Cathedral, bringing Lisa practically to the brink of uncontrolled sobbing hysteria over my well-being.  Not to worry.  I - we - all soldiered on through the rest of our trip with a few mild adjustments along the way.

What a stunning country.  What welcoming people.  What a great lamb stew I had at Paddy's Restaurant in Killarney.  What fun it was flirting with sweet, retiring Brian Carroll at our hotel bar - he was literally retiring, at age 54, from a company that installs secondary containment and was out celebrating with some pals, one of whom (Paddy) did try SO very hard to woo Lisa into having a little extra fun (she bravely resisted).  What an experience it was driving on the "wrong" side of the road (much harder on the passenger than the driver by the way) - Lisa was a superstar navigating the Dingle Peninsula and I held my own in busy, narrow Limerick.  What unexpected treasures we encountered when we ventured away from our admittedly loose itinerary - waterfalls and carriage rides and witches' taverns.  What history we became immersed in - Blarney Castle, the Book of Kells, the Guinness Storehouse.  What fun we had listening to Irish pub songs both in the car and in the Temple Bar area in Dublin (still can't get "Wagon Wheel" out of my head).  What a wonderful way to spend time with two people that I love and cherish so very much - Taryn and Lisa.  What a trip - yes, figuratively and literally! (And...there really are forty shades of green in this lovely country)

Alas, vacation is over (but not the memories) and the real world intrudes.

It is almost time for my routine PET Scan (should happen in the next week or so) and so, of course, it gets me to contemplating my health situation on a more big-picture level than my usual "I woke up!  I'm breathing! Yay!"  In a couple of months, it will be 19 years since my original cancer diagnosis; it will be 9 years since my metastatic diagnosis; and it will be 2 years on chemotherapy.  I kept thinking today that no matter how many good results I get on my tests, no matter how good I feel, no matter even if my doctors told me that I was in full remission, I will ALWAYS fear.  I will never again be able to NOT think about it.  I may very well live to 80 (hey, it could happen) - on days like today, to me it just means that I would have had 45 years of thinking about it.  And that makes me feel sad and tired.

It's true that I've become a little less fearful over the past year or so given the positive results while undergoing the current chemo regimen (hey, don't we all play pretend when it comes to our own mortality?).  It's just that I know that can turn on a dime - true, I suppose, for all of us, but so much more likely for me.  It makes me envious (haha - green?) of the time BC (before cancer), when my only worries revolved around Taryn and her health and her safety and her future.  It is also true that I am more present than I have ever been in my life - but being more present doesn't mean the worries go away.  They are just a little easier to put in the back of my mind - except on days like today.

I realize I've spent the past several blog posts focusing on what is going on in my life (well, some of it anyhow) and not on what is going on in my head - if I truly want to be healthy, I suppose I have to do both.  This too shall pass - but as it has not yet at the time of this post, well there you have it.  It still sucks to have cancer.

Blessings and Love to All. 

Ride Captain Ride

Before y'all get to looking at these photos and thinking "Well, THERE is a motley crew if I ever saw one" keep in mind that these hardy souls, these weekend warriors, these terrific teammates of mine biked 15 miles in support of a very worthy cause (one which many of you supported, thank you SO much!) - the American Cancer Society's George Washington Bridge Challenge.

OK, yeah the weather was beautiful.  And the views were amazing from the center of the bridge.  And we didn't do the 63-mile course.  And there were mimosas at the end of the race.  All of that notwithstanding, it was by no means easy and I'm proud to have been the captain of this fantastic team this year.

My friend Joe Tobin started us on this journey many years ago - he formed a team and honored me that year by naming it "DL's Angels."  I couldn't participate - I was finishing up my chemotherapy course and was in fact feeling quite poorly the day they biked.  But I was so touched by the efforts he and all the other participants put in that I vowed to be a part of this in the future.

I haven't been able to do it every year.  Ups and downs with treatments, surgeries and overall health.  But when I can, I do and I've managed to draw in more team members over and above our first core team of Joe, his son Ryan, Patricia Maloney and myself.  Warren, Chris Sempey and John Sempey have joined the last couple of times we did the Challenge; this year Taryn took to the pedals as well (she swears she's going to captain a huge team next year - you go Princess!).

Everyone's commitment is unendingly inspirational.  Getting up at the crack of dawn to get to NJ (the race starts at 7 am!).  Continuing on even when your legs are screaming (hey, we're talking mostly about a bunch of folks in their 50's here!).  Dealing with creaky seats, slippery gears and questionable tire tread on the bikes we're riding.  And sometimes getting lost and having to figure out your way back to the finish line (I won't mention who got lost - you know who you are).  I know this is done not only in support of me but I can't help feeling so blessed and grateful to have these people for my friends and family as I'm fighting the devil inside.  This captain is surely enjoying the ride, on so many levels.

So...who's with us next year?

A brief shout out to a colleague of mine at BP, Miss Sarita Thomas.  I met Sarita when I started working here and we quickly became friendly.  I found her knowledgeable, dedicated, compassionate and funny (also a terror if you piss her off but it's usually only the dealers that do that!).  As we grew close, I realized that I wanted to share my story with her (no one at BP, aside from Jodi, knows that I have cancer).  I got the opportunity to do that today and I was immeasurably touched by her ability to understand and empathize, her faith in my continued good health, her willingness to step in and do whatever I needed should I find myself feeling any ill effects in the future.  She made me feel like I have another soldier in my army of supporters and for that I am so, so grateful.

Please continue to keep some folks in your prayers - Carole, Donna K., Jeanne McN. and family and Jennifer L.  All have their own unique heartaches to deal with and deserve all the love and caring they can get.

Blessings and Love to All.   

Rooftops

There we are again, gathered around a table at a rooftop bar, enjoying a well-deserved cocktail while catching up on each other's busy lives.  We were made for rooftop bars - they are usually a bit unique (like us), a little crowded (like our lives), definitely fun (this group is all ABOUT fun!) and offer great views (we ARE a stunning bunch).  It's no wonder we gravitate to them!

Our Girls' Weekend this year took place in Chicago, primarily due to the fact that our Patti B. moved to Indiana and it was an opportunity to see her as well as the city.  Interestingly, despite the many times I've been to Chicago already because of work, I hadn't really gotten a chance to see the city itself (although I did visit many moons ago, with Peter).  We decided on one of those bus tours and as you can see from the photo, we were treated to a beautiful, sunny day in the Windy City.  It was educational (so much amazing architecture here!), historical, fanciful and just plain fun - I did, after all, fall in love with "The Bean" (to Patti's utter disbelief).  Who knew something that reflected ME would be so much to my liking??

We had good food, good drinks, even a little bit of drama (yeah - I'm talking to you Patti!), but mostly, we had each other.  We talked about kids and husbands and jobs and vacations and many, many things that are not appropriate for inclusion in this blog.  What happens in Chi-Town stays in Chi-Town!

Each of these ladies (Patty, Mary, Mary, Jackie, Elisa and Patti) is a wonderful gift to me and to the world.  Each time I have a conversation with one or more of them, one on one or in a group, I gain a little more insight into myself;  I get a few more ideas and sound advice for dealing with work/home/life issues; I experience a peaceful feeling of being cherished and protected.  I am not the best of friends, but I am possessed of the best of friends.  They bring my soul up high - as high as those rooftops we so enjoy.

And so I can't wait for next year, when it appears we may be heading to "Nawlins" for the Jazz and Music festival!  But...no matter where we go, I'm sure another rooftop bar awaits...

Blessings and Love to All.

Cousins

Yeah, that is sun and blue skies and smiling faces enjoying a weekend in the "Sailfish Capital of the  World" - otherwise known as my cousin Fred's current hometown.  That's him and his wife Patty with Warren and I in the photo.  We just spent a fun and relaxing weekend with them, pretty much doing nothing except eating, drinking, and riling up the neighbors with our raucous partying.

Fred and I were born 2 weeks apart from each other (he's OLDER), our mothers having been first cousins and best friends.  Our sisters were born 2 months apart, our brothers a month apart.  After that, my mom quit and his mom went on to have my cousin Trish.  Needless to say, our families spent quite a bit of time with each other while we were children, growing up in, shall we say, challenging circumstances given our parents (and aunts and uncles and stepparents, etc.) penchant for smoking, drinking and other - ahem - excesses.  There are many memories, not all of them pleasant, but I do remember enjoying Fred's company throughout our younger and teenage years.

And then life started to happen - college for me, the Navy for Fred.  We both opted for a path far different from our respective families, incurring some unpleasant judgments along the way (our families tended to be nasty drunks, not happy drunks), and so we lost touch for many, many years.  In fact, we did not see each other again until his Mom had died; my Mom would follow her a mere 9 months later, both succumbing to pancreatic cancer.  A sad coda to their lives (they are so very missed!) but...an opportunity for Fred and I to reconnect.

What was fascinating was how similar our lives and our personalities appear to have turned out.  As we got to know each other we discovered that both of us have careers in the energy industry (me in oil and Fred in nuclear power); that we each became avid runners (although truth be told, Fred is the more accomplished runner, having completed several long-distance races); that we share a similar dry and ironic sense of humor; that we both love Disney (and yearn to go there on an adults-only visit, to the horror of our respective children); that we each ended up with 3 children (although he is beating me in the grandchildren department with 2 and one on the way); that we've both dealt with significant health issues; that we share a desire to retire at 55 (even though we KNOW it's not likely to happen); that neither of us developed into big drinkers or partiers as adults (well, leaving out my 20's of course); that we are planners and organizers and schedulers (first born syndrome anyone?); and that we tend not to sweat either the small stuff OR the big stuff any more.  Oh...and that we remain unbelievably fit and good-looking!  For our age.

And so it has been a blessing to share time with him in my middle (?) age.  After a series of brief meetings and meals (mostly up here in New York, where Patty's family lives), we finally made it down to FLA and were treated to warm weather, relaxing strolls through town, beach visits, good meals, even an afternoon beer at Conchy Joe's!  All in all a treasured visit - I'd like to think we might even be invited back some day.

Blessings and Love to All.

Workin' For A Livin'

Ha!  Y'all thought I was done with the blog, didn't you?  No such luck faithful readers and followers - I have finally found a few spare moments to catch everyone up on the latest.

Health news first (else why are you here?) - I will be going for my follow up PET scan this Friday, but don't expect any problems based on my last onc visit.  All the blood work looks good, no changes physically, and handling the minor side effects of the Xeloda and Zometa well.  He even suggested reducing the dosage (again!) if the results turn out as we expect.  I must confess - when first told I needed to go back on chemotherapy I never dreamed it would be as successful as it has been both in keeping the disease at bay and also in minimizing the side effects.  True, the cumulative effect has me getting fatigued a little sooner than before (maybe halfway into a cycle vs. at the end of one) but as we all know, "tired" for me is "revved up" for a lot of folks.  So, I'll keep working the treatment and hoping for the best.  It's not a cure - but on the good days it does feel like it sometimes.

So, why, you ask, have I not kept up more with the blog?  The obvious - my new job has been consuming most of my time.  Between training, meetings, station introductions and projects (not to mention the odd bout with the flu) I've been going flat out.  I'm fortunate to have a couple of really great mentors, Jodi and Sarita, who keep me from falling flat on my face as I navigate new policies and procedures (No cell phone use while driving - not even hands free!  Safety vests!  And make those dealers use that Help Desk!).  In the next few months I'll be going to Chicago (kick-off meeting), Connecticut (dealer convention), Houston (corporate training), and Naperville, IL (driver training), not to mention "Dealer School" in March as well (although that's only in Queens).  So, yeah, it's been a little hectic, but for the most part a good start.  Interestingly, I am involved (along with our entire sales team) in the takeover of 28 Getty stations which are converting to BP this month.  A little ironic...

Lest you think I have been all work and no play let me put a stop to that notion right now.  I had a fabulous Girls Night In with the lovely ladies of Lou Avenue just last week (and would be at another Girls Night Out in NYC tonight if I wasn't getting over a mild stomach bug).  I'll be seeing Emily and Addison tomorrow night in their NEW APARTMENT (yes, you heard me correctly!) and visiting Taryn in Maryland this weekend.  Early April will bring a weekend visit with Warren to Florida to see my cousins Fred and Patty and at the end of April our girls' visit to Chicago to see Patti B.

Lots of other cool stuff coming up:  my sister-in-law Ellen's wedding (!!!) in October to the wonderful Mark - I am honored to have been chosen as a bridesmaid; a new niece due to arrive anydaynow; planning a mother-daughter-auntie trip to Ireland this summer; MJ's St. Patrick's Day festivities; some upcoming 50th birthday parties; and who knows what else will pop up.

Some sad along with the happy (as usual) - please pray for the Trotta family, who just lost a husband and father, Mike.  Liam, Mike's son, is a very good friend of Ian and Taryn's.  He was Taryn's senior year prom date and is one of Ian's closest friends.  A sad and unexpected loss for a beautiful family.

So, yeah, I'm working hard and maybe it's not my ideal job and maybe I sometimes (oftentimes) wish I didn't have to but...don't we all wish that at times?  At least I'm working, which is more than many people can say in these tough economic times.

Blessings and Love to All.