Who among us is not shaking our heads that Christmas is already here? Yes, I know, we all say the same thing every year - how did we get here so fast? And - knowing full well that Christmas comes THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR - why are we still running around getting last minute gifts??
I usually try to take time out on Christmas Eve to reflect on the past year and record my thoughts in this blog. And this year, the overwhelming thought I keep having is - I AM HAPPY. Happier than I have been in a very long time, the happy I felt right around when Taryn was about 2 or so, the happy that felt like it was never going to end, the happy that was infinite and limitless, the happy that was deep and fierce and magical. The happy that could not be corrupted or diminished or stolen. The happy that daily and routinely said "I'm yours and I'm not leaving!" It wasn't based on a person or a place or a thing - it was inside me, protected and safe. It just WAS. I lost that happy for a very long time but now...it's here again.
Don't get me wrong - happy does not equal perfect. I still have my health issues to deal with. My job is not always a joyride. My finances continue to need a lot of work. I don't see friends and family as often as I would like to. I had to wait AN ENTIRE YEAR for another Doctor Who episode! And while all of that on occasion leads to feelings of frustration, despair, irritation, resentment, and fearfulness it no longer changes the happy that is inside me.
God, that sounds like bragging! It's not really meant to - I am merely in awe of the fact that something I'd quite frankly given up on happening again actually did. I was prepared to accept that it was an unattainable goal, that I would live the rest of my life having happy moments, but not feeling the level of happy I once enjoyed so freely, unaware of how grateful I should have been for its existence within me. And I have to say - it was a fight to reclaim that happiness. It's not like it just showed up again saying "Hey, I'm back! Whatcha been doing?" I EARNED every bit of the happiness I'm feeling now. I deserve this happy.
So Christmas time is here again and I will decorate the house and trim the tree and wrap the presents and bake the cookies (OK so I will NOT bake the cookies, I will EAT the cookies) and smile with joy when Taryn and Bruce and Chris and Emily and Addison and Ian and Chelsea open their gifts. I will do all of that knowing that the happy this year is a different (and better) kind of happy and I will wish this kind of happy on all my family and friends and I will pray for peace on this earth and I will hope for endless kindness to others and I will take this happy on into 2017 where it will sustain me like breath.
Blessings and Love to All. Merry Christmas!!
