What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)

Well...it hasn't killed me, so...

Yes, the months of chemo appear to be paying off.  I got the results of my latest PET scan yesterday and they are much better than the ones from 3 months ago (and those weren't too shabby).  My onc was actually so excited he could hardly contain himself.  He walked into the patient room, asked me how I was feeling, and I barely got the words "I'm feeling pretty good" out before he blurted "Your PET scan results are great!"  With, I might add, a big ole s**t-eating grin on his face, as though HE was the one getting good news.  Which, I suppose he is as well.

Here's the lowdown:  Almost all of the tumors in my lymph nodes have completely resolved (disappeared); the tumors in my bones have stayed stable (if you recall, most of those shrank last time around); no new tumors have appeared (and no major organ involvement); and my tumor markers have plummeted (cue the onc waving the graph at me showing the big inverted "V").  Best of all - no change in medication.  Which, truth be told, is my real short-term fear.  I admit it - I've grown to love my long hair again!  I still have to stick with my current chemo regimen - not horrible, but no picnic either.  Most of the time, though, I get to enjoy life as I'd like to.

It feels good to get news like this.  I'm not oblivious to the fact that at some point this medication will stop working (and every so often I pause and think to myself "Eventually this WILL lead to a place I'm not ready to go to") but this really does feel like the best news I've gotten in a long time.  I breathe a deep sigh of relief and relish the reprieve from worry and give myself over to making some plans for the (near) future - Trapezing with Jill!  Mother's Day with Taryn!  Addison's first birthday! The block party!  A closetful of new shoes! (OK maybe just a pair or two).  Of course this is all contingent upon the trapezing not killing me first.

I find it amazing sometimes how much hope remains within me, hope for a complete cure or extended remission.  I actually felt a little giddy (well, if you want to call loudly woo-hooing on the phone with Lisa "giddy").  I realize that the reactions to this news are part of what gives me so much hope - all those "likes" in response to my status on Facebook, all those unseen smiles of family and friends that I called to share the news with, all those small gestures of joy (thanks for the beautiful roses Patti!) really do make me smile and feel optimistic about my chances.  That's a feeling not easily killed off even by the realities of my disease.  As much as doctors and medications - you guys share some of the credit for keeping me alive.  And so I go on, feeling good and for a short while at least feeling stronger.

Blessings and Love to All.