Blue Christmas

After just spending the last 8 days nursing a nasty flu, I admit that I am not my usual eager self when it comes to my traditional Christmas Eve blog post.  Usually I am feeling quite spiritual, loving and benevolent by this point but after coughing my brains out for over a week and barely getting any sleep at night the only thing I'm really feeling is...tired.

I've been trying hard to focus on my blessings over the past year and not my disappointments.  I truly AM grateful for the progress on my health; for the joy of my daughter; for the achievements of my children; and for the precious gift of Addison.  After the difficult year that was 2011 we jokingly dubbed 2012 "the year that no one is allowed to die" in our family - and no one did.  So there is that as well (yes, I know that there are 6 more days in 2012 - I'm going to call it a win right now though).  But truth be told, I am struggling to stay positive.

Perhaps I am just aware of the toll that chemo is taking on my body.  I no longer recover as quickly between cycles - I miss the energy I used to have.  Perhaps I am resentful of the continued need to be the sole financial support of our family.  I no longer have expectations of "retirement" or even a slowing-down when my disease overtakes me.  Perhaps I am still grieving the loss of family, the loss of my job, the relocation of my best friend far away from me - the last few months just seem to be particularly stressful (and aren't they stressful anyway as the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas whirls by?).  Perhaps I am just nervous about starting a new job with a new company and a new boss and new colleagues and new rules and requirements.  The first few weeks at times seemed overwhelming with respect to material to learn.

And so you will forgive me if I am less than elegant in the writing of this missive.  If I appear less than able to be heartfelt, generous and passionate in my thoughts.  If I spend less time enumerating all my blessings...and more time indulging in some selfish soliloquies.  I'm not oblivious to the hurt out there in the world - I too was brought to tears by Newtown, by the devastation of Sandy, by the random acts of violence in the world.  And I too pray for these victims and recognize that whatever my disappointments are, they are small compared to others.  But they are disappointments...and I hope that I can overcome feeling badly because quite frankly I don't know what I'll do if I can't stem the tide of sadness.

It is Christmas Eve.  Time for me to focus on "the reason for the season" and to pray both for peace in this world and peace in my soul.

Blessings and  Love to All.