Here I Go Again

You know what? I really hate being unceremoniously jerked out of my blissful state of denial. Thank you Dr. Cohen for getting back to me with those lousy PET scan results SO QUICKLY! (Do I detect a little sarcasm in there? Yes, I do!).

Yes, I must once again face the fact that this cancer is unstoppable. I had my follow up scan done just this morning and a mere six hours later my oncologist informs me that the latest hormone medication is not working and it's time to move on to chemotherapy. The tumors that already existed are growing; new tumors have sprouted in both the bones and the lymph nodes. Time for a new strategy, designed not to cure me but to extend my life. Maybe.

What's funny is that to a certain degree the results aren't a surprise. When my medications were switched 4 1/2 months ago I don't think I had any expectation they would work, so I'm less shocked than annoyed. Annoyed that no matter what I do, no matter what protocol or medication or biopsy or clinical trial this bitch is not going to go away. Annoyed that every twinge in my body has me wondering if it's the beginning of the final deterioration of my health. Annoyed that God is picking off my family members, me included, one by one. Annoyed that I still have to go to work every day when I would rather spend the precious time I have left with my family. Annoyed that no matter how much I try to "Be Here Now" I can't escape thinking about what I will miss when I'm gone. Annoyed that I will have to deal with everyone else's denial ("Oh, you're not going anywhere for a long time!" they chirp and I nod my head and agree because I don't have it in me to shove my mortality in their faces). Annoyed that I'm so tired of all this that I can't even cry.

But of course I must fight. It is what we cancer people do, until we can fight no more. And so I will see my oncologist, and plan a strategy, and endure another biopsy, and ponder enrollment in a clinical trial, and poison my body, and wait for the next set of scans to tell me the same thing this set has told me - that fighting is futile.

I AM sorry for all the negativity - but you all know that is typically a temporary state for me anyhow. Despite the above, I rarely lose complete sight of all my blessings. Yes, I DID have a fabulous visit to Seattle with my cousins Lisa and Bud and their families, showing the sights of my favorite city to Taryn, re-connecting with my college friend Laurie (my Glimmer Twin!), even attending a Mariners game (yeah, yeah, so what they lost...it was fun!). Yes, I DID celebrate my 9th wedding anniversary with Warren. And yes I WILL continue to plan and celebrate and vacation and enjoy this life. For as long as this tumor-ridden body will let me.

Blessings and Love to All.