Christmas Time is Here Again

Who among us is not shaking our heads that Christmas is already here?  Yes, I know, we all say the same thing every year - how did we get here so fast?  And - knowing full well that Christmas comes THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR - why are we still running around getting last minute gifts??

I usually try to take time out on Christmas Eve to reflect on the past year and record my thoughts in this blog.  And this year, the overwhelming thought I keep having is - I AM HAPPY.  Happier than I have been in a very long time, the happy I felt right around when Taryn was about 2 or so, the happy that felt like it was never going to end, the happy that was infinite and limitless, the happy that was deep and fierce and magical.  The happy that could not be corrupted or diminished or stolen.  The happy that daily and routinely said "I'm yours and I'm not leaving!"  It wasn't based on a person or a place or a thing - it was inside me, protected and safe.  It just WAS.  I lost that happy for a very long time but now...it's here again.

Don't get me wrong - happy does not equal perfect.  I still have my health issues to deal with.  My job is not always a joyride.  My finances continue to need a lot of work.  I don't see friends and family as often as I would like to.  I had to wait AN ENTIRE YEAR for another Doctor Who episode!  And while all of that on occasion leads to feelings of frustration, despair, irritation, resentment, and fearfulness it no longer changes the happy that is inside me.

God, that sounds like bragging!  It's not really meant to - I am merely in awe of the fact that something I'd quite frankly given up on happening again actually did.  I was prepared to accept that it was an unattainable goal, that I would live the rest of my life having happy moments, but not feeling the level of happy I once enjoyed so freely, unaware of how grateful I should have been for its existence within me.  And I have to say - it was a fight to reclaim that happiness.  It's not like it just showed up again saying "Hey, I'm back!  Whatcha been doing?"  I EARNED every bit of the happiness I'm feeling now.  I deserve this happy.

So Christmas time is here again and I will decorate the house and trim the tree and wrap the presents and bake the cookies (OK so I will NOT bake the cookies, I will EAT the cookies) and smile with joy when Taryn and Bruce and Chris and Emily and Addison and Ian and Chelsea open their gifts.  I will do all of that knowing that the happy this year is a different (and better) kind of happy and I will wish this kind of happy on all my family and friends and I will pray for peace on this earth and I will hope for endless kindness to others and I will take this happy on into 2017 where it will sustain me like breath.

Blessings and Love to All.  Merry Christmas!! 



Hips Don't Lie

THIS is why I love my daughter:


Me:  Well, my hip has been hurting quite a bit lately.  Might have to get that tumor in my femur removed.
Her:  My neck really hurts bad, I think I slept on it wrong.  It's definitely worse than your hip.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Aaaand boom! Another great cancer joke!
Me:  (laughing) Oh yeah, high five on that!


All joking aside (well, not ALL joking) I do have to get that hip tumor taken care of.  Not only is there a great deal of pain, it poses a fracture risk at this point.  While my other tumors appear to be behaving themselves (at least according to the most recent PET scan), this one in the right hip is not playing well with the others.  I'm walking OK (albeit with a slight limp), can run on occasion, but have not been able to belly up to the barre and certain sudden movements can cause a spike of pain.  So back to the radiation oncologist I went, where we decided on a treatment plan involving stereotactic radiosurgery (basically the same thing I had done on the shoulder tumor last March).


Today was the prep work (aka CT simulation) when the technicians and doctor decide exactly where to radiate and how much - and good news, it's going to be a "one-shot" deal just like it was with my shoulder.  No cage for my face this time, only a few new "location" marks, really just tiny little dots tattooed on my hip to help guide the lasers to the right spot when I come back this coming Thursday.  So then a half hour of radiation, 24 hours of taking it easy, and I'll be good to go, right?  Not so fast, they tell me.  This time around I will also need to see an orthopedist afterwards.  Because the tumor is on a weight bearing bone (hey, wait a minute, just how fat do you think I am doc??) they will need to see if any further surgery is necessary after the tumor is gone in order to stabilize the hip.  That was a little disconcerting I must say.  So not so "one and done" after all.


Truthfully, given the fact that despite all these bone tumors (and by the way, they've been around so damn long now that I'm thinking of giving them names - like Dean, Sam, Castiel, Crowley, Chuck, Bobby, Rowena, Ruby...can you tell what my latest Netflix obsession is?) I've never even come close to anything fracturing, I'm betting that my hip will be strong enough without any further intervention.  I may have to make accommodations with respect to certain types of exercise but hell, I've been doing that for 22 years now, e.g. giving up my American Ninja Warrior practice. (OK fine, I was never an American Ninja Warrior but I HAVE had to scale back on certain activities, like waterskiing).  In any case, I'm taking the optimistic approach and electing to cross that bridge when I come to it.


And... as I am now older and wiser with respect to the so-called "pain flare" after this type of radiosurgery, I have warned my doctor to come prepared with a prescription for Percocet or I will NOT be going under the (cyber)knife.  Fool me once...


In other news:  As most of you know, I have been indulging my inner Artemis and attending archery lessons for the past few months.  Bought my own bow and have discovered I REALLY love this sport!  Luckily, no matter what happens Thursday, this is one activity I'll be able to continue.  Just look at that form (above) - I totally killed that demon/vampire/werewolf/zombie in one shot.


Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is heading into the Christmas season with hearts full of compassion, love and faith.  None of us knows what burdens others are carrying with them so just in case let's all throw kindness around like confetti.


Blessings and Love to All.


  

Free Bird

Well dear readers I finally, FINALLY have received my signed divorce decree!  I'm free!

Truth be told, it feels a little anti-climactic.  After years of marriage BS (the last 6 years before separating); 2 years of divorce drama BS; and 5 months of waiting for a judge to sign off on the settlement agreement (now that's what I call BS) it's over.  And a lot of folks' first reaction is "Let's celebrate!" because they know what I've been through.  But you know what?  I've BEEN celebrating.  Celebrating the last 2 years of being strong enough to remove myself from a toxic and harmful situation.  Celebrating the stabilization of my health after so many stress-related reversals.  Celebrating my still-in-progress path back to financial stability.  Celebrating the joy of once again having actual choices in how my life is lived.  So while I WILL most likely raise a glass or two next Girls' Night Out, it will be in celebration of all of this, not just a signature on a document.

In fact, I have been free as a bird most of this summer, doing quite a bit of traveling (my FB friends already know this).  I took my granddaughter to Hershey Park as her birthday gift - an overnighter!  There is nothing like visiting a place like this to see it through the eyes of a 5 year old - and fortunately, these short legs fit on most of the kiddie rides!  At the end of July I got to fulfill a long time dream of road-tripping solo to Cleveland to visit the sacred temple of my religion - otherwise known as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Cleveland turned out to be a pretty cool city; I even got to be an Indians fan for one night while going to a game at Progressive Field (I do so love visiting new ballparks!)  After Cleveland, I made my way down to Mammoth Caves in Kentucky (another destination on my must-see list) for a little amateur spelunking.  And the drive home through the winding roads of West Virginia?  Pure fun - windows down, music blasting, singing, car dancing, and really DRIVING those roads are so twisty and turny!  Best. Solo. Trip. Ever.

I let freedom ring on with a trip to my beloved Seattle in August.  Besides the fact that my family there is THE BEST, I just adore this city and its surrounding areas and all it has to offer.  Hiking in Snoqualmie; riding the (new to me) ferris wheel on the waterfront; boating on Lake Washington with a majestic, snow-capped Mt. Rainier in the background; rocking out at The Royal Room with my music buddy Laurie; going to the Yankees/Mariners game.  Painting my aunt's house.  In ninety degree weather.  For 10 hours.  But...with my cousins and nieces and nephews.  Doesn't get much better than that.  Except road-tripping to Portland with my cousin-bestie Lisa, who without fail makes any kind of traveling more fun.  I'm STILL telling people about those awesome French fries at Jake's Grill!

And - for now at least - freedom from the tyranny of cancer.  The new medication continues to work well in keeping my disease at bay, limited to the tumors currently existing but not growing substantially (hey, 2 of them even shrunk a bit).  My white blood counts are low but stable over the last few tests so as long as y'all don't sneeze on me my immune system should be able to handle the basic stuff thrown at it.  And I really do feel that the lowering of stressful factors in my life have contributed to the improvement in my health.  I am once again free to contemplate a longer existence than previously imagined.

Thank goodness I'll be around to find out who got Lucille'd!  (You TWD fans know what I mean...)

Blessings and Love to All.

Still The Same

As PET Scans go it wasn't bad.  Five months on the new medication and my onc wanted to check its effectiveness so in I went in early June.  More of the same mixed results but...more good than bad.  Several of the tumors (I'm losing track of how many I have but at last count I think it's 11) show as "less bright" (i.e. smaller), several about the same, and 2 were brighter (the ones in my right and left femur).  And the usual additional points - no new tumors, no major organ involvement, and still relegated only to the bones.

There is more concern about the side effects of the medication, particularly since I'm tolerating it so well that my dosage has been upped.  I have very low white blood cell counts and as of last Thursday (when I went in for my routine follow up appointment and oh yes, those shots in the ass) I'm told I also have a low platelet count.  So nobody sneeze on me OK?  I'm on the same neutropenic diet that I was on back in 2008 (2006?) - no fresh fruits, no raw vegetables, nothing unpasteurized; in short, nothing that might include potential bacteria sources that could put me in the hospital.  And of course, I have to carry around a thermometer because any temperature above 100.4 degrees results in an immediate visit to the emergency room.  Been there, done that, it ain't nice (do you remember, Sheryl Roberts?).  My fear really is that my onc will prescribe Neulasta to bring up my white counts - been there also and for sure have PTSD when I remember the intense bone pain that accompanies this particular drug.  Although...it is always a source of amusement to me that the cancer doesn't hurt but the treatments do.  Crazy stupid cancer!

Interestingly, I feel a bit more energetic on this medication than I did on the Xeloda, although I'm sure the extra energy is also related to (finally) getting my divorce settled (just waiting on a final judge's signature and then I'm free, free, free) and quitting Target back in May (don't miss the job but do miss several of my former co-workers, especially my "Angels').  Used that extra energy and time to up my game at Pure Barre - I recently celebrated taking my 100th class!  Lift, tone, burn baby!

Also still the same:  You (you know who you are).  Still mistrusting your own worth, still trying to save lost souls, still viewing the world as an unhappy place with those once-in-a-while happy moments, still with the voice I love to hear, still deeply placed within my heart.  Stop trying to save everyone else and instead save yourself.  You know how.  You've always known how.

I miss my little Pixie, still find it hard to believe she's not waiting for me when I get home at night.  But good times still happen and more await - I took my granddaughter to Hershey Park for her birthday and had the BEST time; I'm going to see my wonderful family in Seattle in August;  Chris is coming in August for a visit as well (many laughs ahead!); my stepson and future daughter-in-law are moving back to NY (Brooklyn); and Taryn continues to bring me untold joy each and every day.

Blessings and Love to All.

Daughter

Twenty-five years ago, and eleven days early mind you, a daughter was born to me.  Given that she was so anxious to come into this world I was caught a little by surprise (as was Chris - he was working in the Cayman Islands, unreachable).  I worked until 5:00 that day, not expecting that later on I'd be hospital-bound (or that my coaches would have had other plans).  As I slowly realized that I was in labor, I called my mother (not around - she was in the hospital herself, which my brother failed to tell me!); called my brother (not around!); beeped (yes beeped - it was 1991 mind you) my coach Janet (not around - just getting back from vacation!); and beeped my other coach Mary (not around - on a first date at a Knicks game!); and began to feel like I was going to birth this baby all on my own.

Eventually it all came together though - Bruce showed up (and got yelled at for not telling me about my mom); Janet showed up, bounding up the stairs to my apartment clapping and singing "We're having a baby! We're having a baby!" (and was confronted with a less-than-joyful laboring banshee); and Mary showed up, all efficient and practical ("How far apart are the contractions?"  "How long have you been having them?" "How long are they?" "What's the obstetrician's number?").  They got me to the hospital just after midnight and at 2:21 am my Princess was born.  Not without drama though - Mary will tell you that I was a, ummm, challenging mother-to-be.

 It's taken a village to raise her - my family, Chris's family, the Melia family, the Tabolt family, friends, neighbors, babysitters, co-workers - too many to name but all of whom have contributed to turning her into the amazing young woman she's become.

She is adventurous, inspiring, generous and loyal.  She is hard-working, resourceful, accomplished and dependable.  She is creative, athletic, fashionable, and funny.  She is polite, well-mannered, modest and respectful.  She is bright and balanced and brave and beautiful.  She is sensitive, tolerant, thoughtful and compassionate.  She is, without doubt, the best thing I  have ever done in my life.

So Happy 25th Birthday to my Taryn, a wonderful young lady, my Princess, who every day puts a smile on my face; who every day gives me reason to keep going; who every day amazes me with her ability, her courage, her talent, her intelligence, her humor; and who every day makes me grateful and proud to be her mother.

  

Burning Down The House

Sooo... there I am in all my mesh plastic glory (man, that's a cute little nose if I do say so myself).  I had the joy of wearing this tight-fitting baby for 45 minutes today while Casey and Frank (my radiology technicians) burned the snot out that nasty shoulder tumor that's been hanging around for years.  And yes, I most certainly am having that "pain flare" that my radiation oncologist said to expect.  I give the Aleve another half hour or so to work and then I'm going to forage around for some leftover Percocet...

Back up, you say?  Indeed.  I realize it's been awhile since the old health update and there's been some...ahem...developments.  I'll start with the PET scan results in December which were...not good.  Growth in the existing tumors, some new tumors (2 in the spine, 1 in the left mandible and 1 in the right femur), and pain in my shoulder that's been varying in intensity, but never leaving.  So in January my onc switched me to a new chemotherapy medication, taken in conjunction with 2 hormone medications (yep, back to shots in the ass!).  It's a relatively new medication, has only been on the market a year and was fast-tracked by the FDA before clinical trials were even finished because it proved to be very effective at slowing disease progression for patients like me.  Minimal side effects (no hair loss so those of you with a yearning to see me bald again are out of luck - yes, I'm talking to you Chris!), just mostly a little extra tiredness; tingling in my hands (but hey, that awful redness and dryness from the other medication is gone!);  and low white blood cell counts (so have to watch for fevers and stick to a neutropenic diet).  He'll scan again in late April/early May to see how well it's working.

The shoulder thing though.  At first I thought I had a torn rotator cuff or torn labrum because sometimes the pain was really intense.  I saw an orthopedist and he found nothing wrong, in fact praised me on my "beautiful tendons." (I'll take what I can get in the beauty department).  So my onc reviewed the results and suggested that it was time for radiation on the shoulder tumor not only because of the pain, but because IF there's pain the danger of fracture is heightened.  And that would be bad.  Very bad.

Of course, having been through radiation 3 times before  I was NOT looking forward to the "treatment 5 days a week for 3 - or 6 - weeks thing."  Imagine my delight when he told me he could do "stereotactic radiosurgery" and take care of that sucker with ONE treatment.  So last Thursday I went in for the "simulation,"  when they take the precise measurements of where they are going to direct the radiation beam.  The mask (made by placing a warm, breathable mesh tightly over my face until it hardens) is used to keep my head and shoulders still during treatment.  And today - well, you get it.  Today is when we burned down the house.

So here I am again, hoping we've found another "miracle medication" that will keep this devil inside at bay for at least a little while.  I'd gotten quite used to good news for so long, I admit it was a bit of a letdown.  For some time I felt like I was right back to square one having to wonder and worry and fight the desire to just give up.  Probably why I didn't share all of this right away (and then only with a few people).  And I still don't know what to expect but I still fall back on my tried and true mantra - "This disease is going to kill me...but NOT TODAY!"

Now about that Percocet...

Blessings and Love to All.