Still The Same

As PET Scans go it wasn't bad.  Five months on the new medication and my onc wanted to check its effectiveness so in I went in early June.  More of the same mixed results but...more good than bad.  Several of the tumors (I'm losing track of how many I have but at last count I think it's 11) show as "less bright" (i.e. smaller), several about the same, and 2 were brighter (the ones in my right and left femur).  And the usual additional points - no new tumors, no major organ involvement, and still relegated only to the bones.

There is more concern about the side effects of the medication, particularly since I'm tolerating it so well that my dosage has been upped.  I have very low white blood cell counts and as of last Thursday (when I went in for my routine follow up appointment and oh yes, those shots in the ass) I'm told I also have a low platelet count.  So nobody sneeze on me OK?  I'm on the same neutropenic diet that I was on back in 2008 (2006?) - no fresh fruits, no raw vegetables, nothing unpasteurized; in short, nothing that might include potential bacteria sources that could put me in the hospital.  And of course, I have to carry around a thermometer because any temperature above 100.4 degrees results in an immediate visit to the emergency room.  Been there, done that, it ain't nice (do you remember, Sheryl Roberts?).  My fear really is that my onc will prescribe Neulasta to bring up my white counts - been there also and for sure have PTSD when I remember the intense bone pain that accompanies this particular drug.  Although...it is always a source of amusement to me that the cancer doesn't hurt but the treatments do.  Crazy stupid cancer!

Interestingly, I feel a bit more energetic on this medication than I did on the Xeloda, although I'm sure the extra energy is also related to (finally) getting my divorce settled (just waiting on a final judge's signature and then I'm free, free, free) and quitting Target back in May (don't miss the job but do miss several of my former co-workers, especially my "Angels').  Used that extra energy and time to up my game at Pure Barre - I recently celebrated taking my 100th class!  Lift, tone, burn baby!

Also still the same:  You (you know who you are).  Still mistrusting your own worth, still trying to save lost souls, still viewing the world as an unhappy place with those once-in-a-while happy moments, still with the voice I love to hear, still deeply placed within my heart.  Stop trying to save everyone else and instead save yourself.  You know how.  You've always known how.

I miss my little Pixie, still find it hard to believe she's not waiting for me when I get home at night.  But good times still happen and more await - I took my granddaughter to Hershey Park for her birthday and had the BEST time; I'm going to see my wonderful family in Seattle in August;  Chris is coming in August for a visit as well (many laughs ahead!); my stepson and future daughter-in-law are moving back to NY (Brooklyn); and Taryn continues to bring me untold joy each and every day.

Blessings and Love to All.