Bargain

I remember thinking 16 ½ years ago, “Dear God, just let me get 5 more years out of this life so that Taryn will remember a little bit of who I was.” I remember thinking 6 ½ years ago, “Dear God, just let me get 4 more years out of this life so that I can see my daughter graduate high school.” I remember thinking 3 years ago, “Dear God, just let me get through another 3 years before having to deal with another recurrence.” I remember thinking last year, “Dear God, just let me get through to the middle of 2011 without any more tumors popping up.” Just yesterday, in the shower, I remember thinking, “Dear God, let me just have another 4 months before having to deal with any more disease progression.” And I realized that my bargaining focus has gotten narrower and narrower as my negotiation tactics appear not to have made the kind of impact I had hoped. I am constantly redefining success (yay, no major organ involvement yet!) in order to keep feeling positive (hey, who doesn’t want to be “#winning?”).

And you thought this post was going to be about shopping! (OK, well knowing me, it was a good guess)

I started this particular journey as a young 35-year-old woman and there are certainly times when I feel like I’ve gotten a “raw deal,” when I feel like I’ve been “gypped,” when I wish I could exchange this existence for another less tiring one. Long gone are the times when I could go days, weeks, months without thinking about cancer. Every day. I think about it every day. I’m not sad every day, I’m not worried every day, I don’t cry every day, I don’t talk about it every day, I’m not scared every day. But I do – think about it every day. Every day.

And you know what? I always end up in the same place. I got to hug my daughter on Mother’s Day. I was not killed on 9/11 like my friend Vinnie, my inspiration to fight on. I will get to lay eyes on my first grandchild sometime in July. I’m not dealing with the devastation of the Alabama and Mississippi tornados, where beloved families have been ripped apart. I am able to enjoy a laugh with my husband, a meal with my stepson, a story with my stepdaughter, a visit with my father, a practical joke with my brother, a walk with my animal companion (not allowed to call them pets anymore you know!) and countless other small wonders. True, I am not likely to see my 60th birthday, but I AM likely to see my 52nd. And today I am living, loving, laughing - and shopping.

Seems I ended up with a bargain after all.

Blessings and Love to All.