Uprising

I debated for awhile about writing this particular post, mostly because it has taken me awhile to process my feelings and sort through them. I'm also somewhat reluctant to share anything but good news because we all have so much to deal with on a daily basis anyhow, without my stuff muddying up your minds. And yet, the whole purpose of this blog is to keep those who remain interested informed of my health - even though it does digress into my everyday musings on love, life, and the Yankees. So I eventually came to the conclusion to write because...well, that's what I do.

As you have probably surmised by now, by most recent PET/CT scan did not come back with good results - there has again been some small progression of my disease, this time to lymph nodes in my chest, and a spot on my left hip (notice it's still working it's way down my body). The existing tumors in the lymph nodes under my left arm and in the scapula of my shoulder are not bigger, but do show brighter on the scan (meaning they are "active"). It was hoped that the hormone medicine I was on would stop the progression, so of course there is now a need to switch medications (to one called Arimidex). The tumor load is still considered "mild to moderate, closer to mild" and I am still asymptomatic for the most part (truly, I can't always tell if what I'm feeling is due to cancer, side effects, or aging). The good news - doesn't there have to be some? - is that there is still no major organ involvement.

I will spend 4 months on the Arimidex and then scans will be done again to assess the effectiveness of this latest attempt to halt those trigger-happy tumor cells from taking over. If it is unsuccessful, then we proceed to chemotherapy.

And here is where my mind starts to unravel, thinking about how that would impact the quality of my life for I am starting to realize that it is not death itself I fear (although I've certainly had moments where it does), it is dying. It is not being able to drive down to Maryland when I want, it is giving up the pursuits I enjoy (like yoga and Spin and teaching Sunday school) because my body is too frail, it is not wanting to eat and losing weight in an unhealthy fashion, it is the slow, painful leaving of Taryn and Warren and Emily and Ian and Bruce and Chris and my yet-to-be born granddaughter. It is trying to figure out whether or not it is worth it to fight to the bitter end. After all, we all say that "quality of life" is more important than quantity - but I'm not so sure that doesn't change when the reality of mortality hits at some point during this process.

It's been a week since I got the news and yes, I have gotten used to the idea of rising tumor counts and yes, in 4 months I expect that I will have rising expectations as to the results. It seems I can't help but hope for a cure for my incurable disease - then again, I have hopes that the Rangers are going to win the Stanley Cup this year too!

I continue to make a conscious effort to "Be. Here. Now." but I also recognize that, while I may not have a "bucket list" (I'm quite content that I've done all or most of what I needed and wanted to do in life), there are SOME small things I do desire to do - and it may be foolish to put those off for too long. Not ALL planning is bad.

I am ever so grateful for all your healing prayers - and please reserve some for my step-dad Ken (who is being treated for liver cancer and whose long-term prognosis is not very good at this point); for my niece Amanda; and for my friend Caralyn.

Blessings and Love to All.