Lido Shuffle

In the car for 5 hours, with nothing but an iPod full of music/potential blog post titles and my thoughts to keep me company while I drive home from a magical and uplifting visit with Taryn in Maryland, it’s inevitable perhaps that those thoughts veer wildly from joyful exuberance to crushing sadness. That “Walking on Sunshine” segues into “If You Leave” and “Shut Up And Drive” gives way to “Oh Very Young” and “Raise Your Glass” slips over to “Love Hurts” (yeah, I know – take the damn thing off “shuffle” and I won’t have this problem!). My feeling of invincibility slowly seeps out of me (as does my voice. I sing - if you can call it that - at the top of my lungs when alone in the car) with every mile driven; my imaginary future fades into a fuzzy memory; and I switch back into reality once again.

It’s a funny thing, the in-between (treatments, doctor visits, tests, side effects – pick an “in between”). Most of the time I am just going about my daily business with little thought of the future, little worry about the progress of my cancer, little fear of what I know is coming. I try to stay ahead of my workload at the office (OK, an impossibility but I’m nothing if not optimistic); I follow up with my stepfather and brother and sister and uncle on their various and sundry health issues; I make plans with Warren or friends or neighbors for evenings out; I eagerly devour the tidbits of academic information offered by Taryn and Emily and Ian. I watch TV (“Raising Hope” – easily one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen) and go to yoga and Spin (OK fine truth be told I took a little break the last couple of weeks) and update my Facebook status and read my e-books (totally digging the Keith Richards autobiography right now) and search for new apps for my iPad (“Cosmic Top”!!). But every so often, unexpected and unannounced, my everyday existence is impaled by the sorrowful realization that the longevity we all crave is not likely to be available to me. It doesn’t terrify me or horrify me or anger me or irritate me – it just makes me sad. I just cry out loud (as I did in the car on the way home Sunday) “I don’t want to leave! I don’t want to leave!”

And then, fortunately, because I AM surrounded by wonderful, loving, supportive and compassionate humans (and Jill, you deserve a special shout out on this front), I let the negative slide slowly away and once again rejoice in all that I am blessed with. “The End” segues into “This Beat Goes On” and “Cryin’” gives way to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Slippin’ Away” slips over to “Love Is All Around Me.” You know - I think I’ll leave the shuffle on for now.

Blessings and Love to All.