What Is and What Should Never Be

A photo of us (Warren is taking the picture) at University of Maryland's Family Weekend - just one reason I haven't been posting as often as I probably should be.

First off, apologies to my "blog stalkers" who have faithfully logged on only to find no updates these last couple of weeks. Can I blame it on the Yankees? It does seem as though I've spent an inordinate amount of time watching baseball lately, and quite frankly I can't wait until the World Series is over - I've had enough of Joe Girardi, Mark Teixeira and Alex Rodriguez being in my dreams. (And so has Warren!)

It is almost six weeks since my gall bladder surgery and I'm doing well. The only hurdle left is exercise - by Wednesday I'll be able to get back to my yoga classes. I'm eating (almost) normally, but kind of sticking to the low-fat diet I got used to over the last couple of months, with a few extra treats thrown in every now and then (donuts!). The diminished taste I've had since radiation continues, but increases (almost without my realizing it) steadily. Most times, I don't know for sure whether or not I can taste something until I try it. So eating meals is a surprise every day ("Oooh, I just tasted that!"), but there are very few items now that I don't taste at all. I had expected it to be sudden, but it has been gradual, so at some point I expect I'll realize I'm tasting everything and it tastes the way it's supposed to taste. At least stuff doesn't burn anymore - I got to enjoy a nice White Russian last weekend while visiting Stephane and Kent in Mass.

THE HAIR continues to grow up vs. out, but the new hair coming in is definitely wavy vs. curly. I looked at pictures from the last time around and the growth is following pretty much the same pattern as last time so it's easy to predict the future - "By December it will be at it's curliest. By June it will be long enough to blow dry. By September I'll need my first haircut." It can be pretty frustrating though - I've actually thought to myself, "If I have to go through this again, I'm sticking with the bald look for good!"

It's a funny time in post-cancer world. With a clean PET/CT behind me there's a measure of relief - I find myself thinking things like, "Knowing the typical course of my cancer, I probably have at least until mid-2012 before I need to start worrying again." On the other hand, in reality there IS no "typical" course - I could have something to worry about in a month, a year...or 10 years. So clean scans aside - I never really stop thinking about it. Is that lump a tumor? (nope, just a bump) Are my bones aching from another metastasis? (nope, just overdid it going up and down the stairs today) Does the shape of my jaw feel different today? (nope, I'm just imagining it). No doctor visits are without concern (even though both my doctors have increased the length of time between visits from 2 months to 3 months). I am thrilled and grateful that I am alive, relatively healthy, and able to enjoy all or most of what I was able to enjoy before the surgery (albeit with a little different look!). But boy, do I wish every day that I didn't have to think about cancer at all.

I think one of the reasons I haven't written as much is because it's so hard to put into words what I'm feeling without sounding whiny or ungrateful for the (fourth) chance at living that I've been given. And it is all complicated somewhat by the fact that my treatment is not really over yet (I still need my teeth replaced) and by the obvious physical changes to my face. It is a lot easier to be in denial when the scars are generally hidden from my own view, as the breast and skull scars are. It is not as easy when a glance in the mirror every day reminds me of what was, what is, what could be, what should be, what won't be, what may be. It is not as easy when I consider that I am not only occasionally fearful for my own future, but also fearful for the future of my daughter, my sister, my cousins. I try hard to stay positive, to be reminded of all the blessings in my life, to enjoy the day and the moment I'm in, to appreciate daily the many people who keep me going in the toughest of times. But cancer doesn't make it easy. And I sigh tiredly and think to myself, "This just shouldn't be" - for me or for any of the thousands out there dealing with this crazy disease.

A quick shout out to Lynne to "GET WELL SOON!"; a huge thank you to Stephane, Kent, Julien and Naomi for a fun weekend; and a special hug for Little Jen (my dental hygienist) who went above and beyond this week.

Blessings and Love to All.