Deck The Halls

It has been difficult, to say the least, to keep up with my blog updates. Part of it is because life (rather than treatments and their side effects) keeps interfering (darn that life thing!) - kids going off to college, preparing for the holidays, work projects, church commitments, social activities, yoga classes, minor surgeries (kidding - just the one), "House" and "FlashForward" and "Sons of Anarchy." And while cancer is no less a part of life even without the daily or weekly treatments - I have monthly visits to receive estrogen-blocker injections; follow up visits every 3 months; surveillance studies on a regular basis (most recent: my yearly mammogram) - it's really the other stuff that "gets in the way" of regular reporting on that status of my health.

This frustrates me to a certain degree. Every day brings some random thought, some humorous incident, some real or imagined fear (Today's? I'll catch swine flu and it will kill me because of "underlying medical conditions"), some overwhelming realization, some joyful activity, some sorrowful news, some unidentifiable feeling, some angry outburst. Something that reminds me that cancer is affecting me physically, emotionally, spiritually or otherwise. Sharing what's "outside" is easy to put into words - "Doctor's visit today;" "Good test results;" "Lots of pain last night;" "Tiger did what?!" (well, I guess that's all over the news anyhow without me sharing it). But sharing what's inside? Not so easy and therefore...it is longer and longer between posts.

So...I'm going to try shorter posts that address the random thoughts and concerns of this "post-treatment survivor" phase while still making sure the "health updates" (which kind of started this whole mess many years ago) continue.

Saturday I began the process of decorating the house for Christmas, opening box after box of holiday goodies, trinkets, candles and knickknacks so that I could prepare for the second most celebrated birthday on Earth (mine being the first of course!). As I opened items that my mother had gifted me over the years (Lenox holiday salt and pepper shakers; Santa hat chair covers; an ornament-adorned platter with our family names painted on), I remember how charmed I was each time I opened one of her gifts, how delighted I was by her taste, how much I loved her thoughtfulness. I was at once grateful that I had these memories and at the same time sad that she would never again surprise me with a decorative Christmas token (she always seemed to be able to find something unique and beautiful). And I cried when I was forced to confront the reality that I may never get to pass on the ritual of buying just the right Christmas treasure for my daughter when she has her own home. Of course - it is not about the "things" - it is about the joy of sharing something special between mother and daughter. My heart, it just grieves when I think about the fact that that might be lost to Taryn and to me.

Blessings and Love to All.