So Far Away

I've dropped Taryn off at birthday parties, at relatives' houses, at the babysitter's, at lacrosse practice, at the beach, at the movies, at school, at church, at the library, at Chris's, at Molly's, and at Brianna's. But dropping her off at college this past Friday was an experience unto itself.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry when we said our final good-byes on Saturday. We (Chris and I) had spent time Friday getting her room in order (she's in a triple with two very nice young ladies), and then went back to her dorm Saturday with a few more things that she needed. She was subdued, looked a little scared, but seemed ready for us to leave so we did. After visiting Ian at Delaware, where he had been dropped off by Warren and Emily, we drove back to Long Island and that's when it began to hit me. The closer we got to home, the more I began to choke up, silently crying while traveling the Southern State Parkway (well, I didn't want to wake the snoring Chris by openly sobbing!). I dropped off Chris at his Dad's, and drove home to an empty house (Warren and Emily hadn't returned yet from their visit to Maryland), which normally would thrill me, but only served this time to upset me. The call went out to Lysa ("Awww, honey! She's going to come back you know.") and after a brief weepfest I was OK. But...it doesn't feel right. Not. Quite. Yet.

It's not just that she is so far away physically - it's that she is so far away from the baby I brought home from the hospital 18 years or so ago. It is amazing how confident and accomplished and self-sufficient she seems after only a few days away. Sure, she misses me (she has called every day, even if only for a few minutes while walking home from class), but she sounds genuinely happy to be where she is. I LOVE that. I am so proud of her independence - after all, it's what I set out to help her achieve. But I am feeling...purposeless. What DO I do if I am not "mothering?"

Conversely, I also feel like a great weight has been lifted because for so many years I was afraid I would not get to enjoy this experience with her and...I made it! We made it. And while I know there will be many more "big"moments in her life, somehow this "getting her off to college" loomed very large in my mind, arguably larger than any other events past or future. There's no "bucket list" beyond this; I'm not feeling any real need to begin bargaining with God again. Don't get me wrong - I hope to live a good, long life and to see Taryn graduate college, start a career, get married, etc. I'm just not feeling anxious about (potentially) missing any of it. I'm totally in the present right now.

I'm also totally needing to have this damn gall bladder removed! I visited the surgeon today, but we were unable to set a date yet (his scheduler wasn't in the office). For now, it's still looking like sometime in September (unless I have an attack - then it's "go" time then and there).

Follow-up PET/CT Scan tomorrow to see how everything looks after radiation. I don't expect there to be any problems (but it's always hard to wait for results). I continue to heal very slowly - still have diminished taste, salivary function, etc. Health (or what passes as health for me) often seems like it, too, is so far away.

I miss her smile (there isn't a more beautiful one in the world); I miss seeing what she is wearing each day (that girl really knows how to put together an outfit); I miss hearing her and Ian giggling in the kitchen late at night as they share a snack and compare notes on their evenings out; I miss her sense of humor (she is a physical comedienne in the mold of a Lucille Ball or Debra Messing); I miss watching her work the radio, flipping from station to station in search of the perfect Taylor Swift song to listen to; and I miss her cuddling up to me when it's time to watch "Entourage." So far away - but never far from my heart.

Blessings and Love to All.