It's Going to Take Some Time

No doctor visit today, but that's only because she called me Friday with the results of my PET and CT scans (sorry for not blogging sooner - the weekend just got away from me). The scans were good - in the sense that there continue to be no lesions other than the one we already know about in my jaw/mandible. The chemotherapy has apparently shrunk the tumor, but not significantly, and at least not significantly enough to postpone surgery any longer. So this Thursday, instead of getting my fourth round of chemotherapy, I will be meeting with the surgeon to discuss/schedule the surgery.

When she called Friday (and by the way, damn that caller ID!), I really feared the worst. I couldn't help but think it must be awful news, or why not wait until she sees me on Monday? And I realized afterward that we perceived the news very differently. I was relieved - things aren't worse; this is the course that was conjectured at the beginning of this whole ordeal; I wanted to get the surgery done sooner rather than later if I was going to have to have it. She was disappointed - she was hopeful that surgery might be avoided altogether, that chemo would dramatically shrink the tumor and radiation would finish the job (after all, how does one handle being an oncologist without being eternally hopeful?). She called to give me bad news - I rejoiced in the good news, and made my appointment with the surgeon. Because really - every day there is even the smallest bit of hope is a "good news" day.

While I'm thrilled not be having chemo this Thursday, I am apprehensive over the surgery, which I already know is going to be quite debilitating. I'll wait to share the details until I speak to the surgeon (who works out of NYU Medical Center) on Thursday - I don't want to trust my memories of the last time we spoke in November (Warren and I already disagree on how long he said I'd be in the hospital. I remember him saying ten days; Warren thinks he said 10-15. Either way it sucks!). I know the tumor is large enough and in difficult enough a place to make the surgery an extensive one (think taking bone from another part of my body, feeding tube, months-long recovery extensive). Anyway, more on the surgery details after Thursday.

So many questions!! How will we handle college visits with Taryn and Ian? When will I be able to return to work? What will we do for Taryn's 18th birthday at the end of March? Will Warren be able to get the bills paid on time? Will I be able to eat bagels again? And most importantly - how much of "House," "24," and "Lost" will I miss??? (Eh - don't worry, they're DVR'd and I guess I'll have plenty of downtime to catch up, right?)

The toughest part is having to leave certain things up in the air, like vacationing in North Carolina or planning my "Galaganza" since the true recovery time is unknown (could be 3 months, could be 6 months according to the doc). Everyone knows I am a CHAMPION planner, imagine my distress at having to leave things open-ended. Of course, isn't that just the story of my life now anyhow...love the irony!

I am a bandanna person. Some people (when not wearing their wigs) are baseball cap people. Some are turban people. Some are scarf people. Some just like it au naturel. Me - I am a bandanna person. I have them in just about every color imaginable, because I see no reason why I shouldn't coordinate my bandanna with whatever outfit I am wearing (photographic evidence above).

I went to yoga Wednesday and again on Saturday morning. I visited several of our neighbors with Warren Friday night, distributing honeybells and catching up. I went to dinner with my husband Saturday night, indulged in two (yes two!) Effen martinis (no, I'm not being crude - Effen is a brand of vodka, with black cherry flavor), came home and did a crazy dance to make my daughter laugh. I went to church Sunday and enjoyed Pastor Casey's sermon on how God calls us to serve. I did laundry and cleaned my home office. I rooted for the Cardinals (winners) and the Ravens (losers). I talked on the phone with Ginny and I bought Girl Scout cookies from Caralyn. I ate honeybells and I baked brownies. I had a family dinner...with the whole family. I lived life and it was great.

(P.S. I've had a few people ask how they are supposed to leave comments and I realize it is not immediately obvious. At the bottom of the post, click on the link that says "Comments." If someone has already left a comment it may say "1 comment" or "2 comments" however many there are. The linked page will have a space for comments on the right, then a password that has to be entered [don't worry, they give it to you, it's different each time, like when you're buying tickets on Ticketmaster], then you can add your name under "Open URL" - or Anonymous if you must!)