Steal My Sunshine

Well, at least I still have my hair...for now.

This was a rougher weekend than I anticipated. After treatment on Thursday, I was feeling pretty good. Even went to work on Friday. But after going to get my Neulasta shot Friday night, things went slowly downhill. For the uninitiated, Neulasta is a supplemental chemotherapy that boosts my production of white blood cells in the bone marrow. Unfortunately, that beneficial result comes at the expense of some VERY severe bone pain (think growing pains times 100) throughout Saturday and Saturday night. I woke up about every 20 minutes during the night (those of you have had children know what that's like, and how absolutely draining it is the next day). Wait...there's more. Our Emily had come home to work in her law office Saturday, ended up twisting her ankle and having to be taken to the emergency room by Warren. So Warren, Ian and Taryn had to deal with tears and pain multiplied by 2. Needless to say, there were more meltdowns Saturday night than at a Carvel without electricity.

Sunday started in promising fashion - Taryn and I went to church to teach our regular Sunday school class (The lesson: Elisha Heals Naaman. How's that for coincidence? We spent the class talking about hospitals, doctors, and medicine!). It did me good to see the kids, but I confess to being exhausted afterwards. The bone pain finally got bad enough that Warren went to our local pharmacy and secured some Tylenol PM for me, which did, in fact work wonders (I personally would have called my niece, Dr. Laura 24, for advice since she is the BEST PHARMACIST ON THE PLANET, but I guess Warren was at the end of his rope by then and forgot). Yes...I missed the end of the final NASCAR race of the season (my #20 came in 9th), but the blissful, comatose sleep I enjoyed was well worth it.

And today was...OK. Really. I went into work (yay - Thea is back!) despite various and sundry continuing side effects, some I expected (having been through this before) and some I am still getting used to. My dreams are vivid (last night's: Barack and Michelle Obama participating in "The Amazing Race." I knew I shouldn't have watched 60 minutes right before!); my appetite is strong but some things just...taste...funny; and the tingling below my knees and down to my feet is downright disconcerting (and new to me as a side effect) - although it did NOT stop me from wearing high heels today!

The worst side effect though, is how treatment steals my optimism. How it turns my sunny outlook into a tsunami of despair and robs me of the memory of all the positive things my doctors have said. How it negates the tremendous outpouring of love and support I have already experienced in the short time since I was diagnosed. It is the meanest of all the side effects, the one that makes me think it would be better to stop treatment and try to enjoy what little time I might have left.

And then...blessedly...that side effect diminishes too, and I read your amazing e-mails and comments, and I see my daughter's beautiful face, and my husband brings me a perfect ham and swiss sandwich, and I find myself singing out loud to "Devil With A Blue Dress" in my driveway tonight. So "steal my sunshine" if you will, but I will wrestle it right back from you (um, as soon as the Tylenol PM wears off that is!)

As always, thanks for listening. Your love, your prayers, your good wishes - I can FEEL them, wonderful friends. I CAN FEEL THEM.