Devil Inside

I call it "The Sad News, The Bad News, and The Good News." The sad news - I have another (2nd) recurrence of my cancer. The bad news - it will involve a more difficult treatment process than last time around. The good news - like the last recurrence, this one too is curable (even though the disease itself is not).

It's in my jaw. Left mandible to be exact. I am in the process of figuring out a treatment process with my doctors, but so far it will involve chemotherapy and surgery at the least. We're talking 3 or so cycles of chemo, surgery, recovery, and then another 3 cycles or so of chemo. The "bad" part is the surgery - it is potentially quite extensive, and I won't really know for sure until Monday, when I see the surgeon again. So...stay tuned. Further updates to come.

I have shared the news with a few people (could your faces be any sadder?), but not with Taryn or Emily or Ian yet. One thing I learned from the last go-round is not to tell them until there is a specific treatment plan. Otherwise, there are too many questions, too many fears. Of course, I could just be engaging in my usual avoidance behavior when it comes to confronting this issue. I can't imagine anything worse than springing this on them again, and it breaks my heart to think that Taryn especially has to hear this news about her mother one more time (and, unfortunately, probably not for the last time either). Not to mention how bad the timing is - she and Ian are both seniors, enjoying their last year of high school, writing their college essays, filling out applications, planning interviews and visits. I wanted so much for all of us (Warren and I included) to enjoy the process as they narrow down their hundreds of choices to a few select universities, and next spring, finally choosing one to attend. How am I going to be able to convince them that this won't effect their lives...when I know it inevitably will? This fact makes me sadder than just about anything else about this whole crazy deal.

There are times in the last couple of weeks when fear has overwhelmed me. There have been equally as many times when I've been calm and at peace with what lies ahead (both short term and long term). I don't want to do this again, but as you all know, I have "Four Reasons" why I must.

Well, I think we can all agree that... this really sucks! I've quite the journey ahead and I appreciate everyone taking the time to follow my story as it develops. I'll try not to be too boring or too graphic (at least not without a disclaimer first!) or too insensitive to the fact that this is hurting all of you as well, my dear friends and family.