Reelin' In The Years

You will not like this.  But you must read and you must know.

Chemotherapy is no longer working - it only creates potentially life-threatening side effects at this point.  Hormone therapies are no longer working - the tumors have figured out how to outsmart anything thrown at them to stop or slow the progression of my cancer.  I am not eligible for any clinical trials since my cancer remains in my bones only.  Other options (immunotherapies, etc.) have been considered and rejected as not likely to produce enough of a result to warrant the probable debilitating effects on my body, already besieged and glaringly deteriorated.  I am fighting with the few tools left available to me but I will soon lose this fight.

I don't know for sure, of course, what "soon" means but I do know that I no longer have years left and in all likelihood it comes down to months.  The doctors, they don't give you definitive prognoses, but they also do not dispute when I lay it out as above.

I've had a good run since initial diagnosis, reeling in more years than I ever would have expected and enjoying a quality of life (barring a few hiccups) many would envy.  I have no bucket list; I have no regrets; I have no last minute "wish list" items.  I don't want to talk about it; I've done enough of that over the past several weeks.  What I want, what I plan to do, is to wake up each day here on out thankful for the chance to breathe it all in until my chances run out.

I'm scared, not so much of the dying as I am of the leaving.  I am sad that I had to bring this burden onto my children, my family, my friends and yet I am comforted by their unwavering support as well as their commitment to enfold me in their arms, both figuratively and literally, and let me know "I've got you."

Is this my last post?  I don't know.  I kind of hope not.  But if it is...know that at least as of this writing I am happy and blessed and hoping that I have given you the best of me over the years.

Blessings and Love to All.