It Don't Come Easy

It has been exactly one month since I broke my arm and I still find myself shaking my head in disbelief over the series of events that have taken place since then, the overwhelming gamut of emotions I've experienced (some for the very first time), the uncertainty that still exists regarding my overall health.  I confess, it's not easy to figure out where to start with this post there's so much swirling around up there in my noggin.  Which usually means I should start with the basics.

The arm:  As most of you know the surgery went well.  I am now the proud owner of a titanium rod and screws inside the wing, and its functionality is improving every day (hey, I'm actually typing 2 handed).  I don't yet have full range of motion, of course - it's only been a little more than a week since the surgery - but I have faith that I'll get there.  It doesn't hurt much, it's more like an ache, and there's a funny little hitch in the elbow that may or may not be permanent but for the most part I'm pleased with how things turned out.  My follow-up visit with the orthopedist is June 26th - we'll see then what my limitations are or will be and what PT I might have to undertake.

The kidneys:  In retrospect, I should have been more frightened of the hypercalcemia/renal failure than I was at the time.  My onc always says that bone metastases are not going to kill me, complications from them or their treatment are what will.  This is what he means.  But I just assumed that once I was admitted to the hospital, it would be taken care of and that would be that.  It didn't occur to me that had I waited a little longer, had I not contacted my onc, had they not been able to get me an appointment at the cancer center on that Friday, had I just chalked what I was feeling up to just another bad day (or days) that this could have gone horribly wrong.  It didn't - but it certainly has given me pause and an unwanted reminder of the difficulties of having MBC.

The cancer:  With all of the above, my chemotherapy treatments are on pause.  Again, the follow up visits with the orthopedist and my onc will determine when those start up again and of course, my fear is wondering what the hell those tumors are doing while I'm not attacking them.  I can only hope that progression (if any) is minimal and that I can go back to actively fighting them sooner rather than later.

The pain:  Fortunately (with one exception) I've been able to manage this fairly effectively using the same medications and protocol as before I hurt my arm.  What I haven't been able to get a handle on is the unusually intense pain in my right shoulder blade, a function both of having to lay exclusively on my back for so many weeks when I had the brace and also having to use my right arm so much to compensate for the limited use of my left during all this.  At times it is as though someone is taking a hot poker and very slowly inserting it into my shoulder blade, virtually debilitating me. It is without a doubt interfering with my recovery and while I know it will ultimately resolve itself, in the meantime it is cause for occasional distress on my part.

The mental aspect:  As expected, I've had my share of ups and downs throughout this, the downs quite frankly at times bordering on depression, a paralyzing joylessness that actually frightened me a bit.  I wouldn't say I'm back to being the happy warrior I usually am - but neither am I drowning in the sadness I had been feeling.  I suspect that while the "real me" will resurface, it will not come easy given all of the above.

With the basics out of the way, let me end this post by expressing my appreciation for the many, many of you who shared your support of me throughout all of this.  I couldn't even begin to do individual shout outs (I'd need to write a whole new post to do that!) - hopefully, as you've reached out to me, I've taken the time to personally thank you for keeping me on the path to recovery.

Blessings and Love To All.