Christmas Twist

Not the Christmas I would have imagined a year ago.  But I can't deny that I am happier this Christmas than I was last Christmas, although it's taken quite a bit of strength and perseverance to actually get there.

I have spent the last year feeling and dealing with so many negative emotions - anger, betrayal, disbelief, hurt, bitterness, disgust, sadness, fear - and I couldn't bring myself to blog about them because why rain that shit down on the wonderful readers (friends and family) who have provided and continue to provide so much of the positive in my life?  Why pour out my twisted up insides any more than I already have?  Believe me, the trials and tribulations of the past year have on occasion sorely tempted me to take up the social media bludgeon and specifically call out the despicable behaviors of my soon-to-be-ex husband.  I confess that it has taken every ounce of willpower not to post, tweet and blog each and every time his behavior has driven me to tears of frustration and sorrow, a calculated tactic (I'm sure) to wear me down with the expectation that I will acquiesce to his ridiculous demands.  I shouldn't really be surprised - that same tactic kept him from stepping up as a man for 17 years.  Probably longer - hindsight is 20/20 and I should have seen the signs.  Some of you did (you know who you are) and I'm sorry I didn't listen.

But Christmas is not a time for sadness or anger - it is a time of joy and love and celebration.  It's Jesus's birthday man!  I'm in a new house that I love and that I look forward to making into a home.  I have a beautiful, kind, brilliant, funny daughter that makes me proud of her every single day.  I am surrounded by a loving family, near and far, generous of heart and hearth and always, always there for me.  I am blessed with friends that accept me for who I am and have my back at all times.  I have co-workers and colleagues, old and new, that won't let me forget just who I am - strong, smart, generous, hard-working.  I have doctors that just won't give up on me (and so I don't give up on myself).  And I have faith that everything happens for a reason and that it will all work out in the end.

The Christmas season is a joyful one, but of course not without its sorrows.  I have prayers in my heart for Paul, Larry, and P.O.'s Ramos and Liu all recently lost to us.  The world mourns.  I fervently pray that our humanity remains intact.  A new year awaits - please let us all be kind to each other. 

Blessings and Love to All.