Beast of Burden

It has not been easy lately to post to this blog as I have been veering between being too happy and involved with life's opportunities and being too stressed and overwhelmed by life's obstacles to sit and put it all down on paper.  Plus, I tend to resist indulging in "pity-blogging" because more often than not, by the time y'all get to read it I'm beyond the feeling bad or mad or sad part.  But I have been feeling somewhat burdened lately and perhaps it's wise to let it all out rather than keep it festering inside.  OK that might be a little strong, it makes it sound like I'm going to explode.  I'm not.  Yet.

I'm not even sure I can adequately put into words what I'm feeling - at least not without hurting some feelings and ruffling some feathers and risking some tears (umm, not mine.  I don't cry.  Much.).  The best way I can put it is to say, "Why must everyone make things harder for me instead of making things easier for me?"  I'm not one for playing the "cancer card" (well...not OFTEN) but every once in awhile I think "Can I PLEASE get a little help here?"

Don't get me wrong - I get a lot of help.  Prayers, support, good wishes, cupcakes - it is all very much needed and appreciated (yeah, especially the cupcakes!).  And I don't for one minute doubt that when I start to deteriorate physically that I will be surrounded by many who will want to care for my every need, who will love me and hold my hand and make my final journey peaceful and loving.  And perhaps this is my own fault - I have been so strong throughout this (or so I am told), that maybe when I say to someone, a family member or friend, "I need help," providing it is viewed as optional. I think I have been specific in the kinds of help I do need though - less stress (financial, emotional and physical) and more peace in my life in order to really enjoy the time I do have left. And lately, it's just not there.

It isn't all on me - but it feels like it recently.  It makes me want to say "Suck it up people! I've had to!"  And I do find myself getting just a little angry and resentful when the peace and happiness I had generally been feeling is snatched away, when someone's actions (or inactions) cause increased agitation over and above the everyday stress we all feel in this crazy old world.  Truly it makes me want to abandon the life I have, cash out my 401(K) and spend my final years blissfully alone.

But...but...I have obligations.  I have commitments.  I have people at work, at home, at church, and in the world depending on me, sick or no.  I have bills to pay, I have assignments to complete, I have the work of life that needs to be done.  I have so much love for ALL the people in my life both when they lift me up and also when they let me down.  And every once in awhile...I have the right to bitch and moan about the burdens, real and imagined, placed on me and I have the right to express my longing for an easing of same.

I know many of us believe that God does not give us more than we can handle - but don't even imagine that He's not going to hear from me as well on this!

Blessings and Love to All.