Do You Believe in Magic?

Every so often I am taken aback by the extraordinary amount of effort I put into preserving what little is left of my not-so youthful appearance. Special “anti-aging/rejuvenating” cleansing face wash; “clarifying toner”; “dramatically different” moisturizing lotion; “anti-gravity firming under eye cream”; lip cream to eliminate “fine lines”; “deeply hydrating” body moisturizer; overnight “regenerating” face cream; “softening” hand cream; “magic” concealers – well you get the picture (and some of you are saying “Is that it?!). Of course, some of it is necessary because of the treatments I’ve had (I’m probably the only person in the world who will actually use the entire amount in that huge jar of Aquafor to soothe my poor over-radiated lips) but most of it is good old magical thinking that I will live long enough to say “Well that was money well spent!”

I go to work, I fuss with my hair (yeah, don’t even get me started on how many hair products I use – thank God I go bald every once in awhile otherwise I might go broke), I get to the gym, I clean the house (um, sort of, we do have a cleaning service every other week), I pay the bills, I even cook a meal every once in awhile (ok, collectively now – “Poor Warren!”). All things that on occasion cause me to stop and wonder “Now WHY am I doing this again?” because the overwhelming desire at times is to just let it all go. Get fat, get ugly, get wrinkly, get bankrupt, get lazy, get dirty (and I don’t mean in the wink-wink way - get your minds out of the gutter!) because maybe I won’t really have the chance to get there. And yet…I don’t stop. Mostly because I really do love shopping for shoes and ya can’t do that without money! Seriously though, it’s because no matter what the reality of this disease tells me, I can’t help sometimes believing EACH TIME that THIS time I’ve beat it. For good.

Tomorrow I go for my regular PET/CT scan (can’t believe it’s already been 6 months since the last one) and so the cycle begins anew. Test, wait, results, freedom, test, wait, results, freedom. Test. Wait. Results. Freedom?

A loving and heartfelt shout out to Lynne and Dom who kindly, untiringly and tenderly shepherded Dom’s cousin Mark to a peaceful passing last Saturday. Their extraordinary compassion and commitment to making his last days tolerable is proof positive in the power of love and I am lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I am praying that the grief they feel at their loss is tempered by joyous memories of Mark’s life and the support of family and friends.


Shout outs as well to Carol M. (it’s been a year since Mickey’s passing and all of our memories of him hold strong) and Patti B. (it’s been a year since we almost lost you and I am ever so thankful that you remain firmly anchored in this world).

Blessings and Love to All.