So every time I go to the oncologist, they say the same thing about my tumor markers being "slightly out of normal range" and not to worry about it if it's fluctuating up and down, there is only something to worry about if it goes up and up and up (which, as we know, it has 3 different times). I have been hearing this for 15 years. Then why, with a clean PET scan, a clean mammogram, no physical symptoms, and positive doctor visits do crazy fears of another recurrence consume my mind? Because living in the present is never as easy as I would like it to be...and because deep down I know it is not a question of "if" it's a question of "when" and "where" (oh, please let it be in some bone I don't really need this time - maybe that extra fibula I have in the right leg. Or the middle finger on my right hand - I really should stop using that anyhow).
Missing left fibula notwithstanding, I am back shaking my 50-year-old (somewhat) arthritic hips in Zumba dance class again. I'm a bit uncoordinated still, and fact is I've never been much of a dancer anyhow (well, except when I have a few cosmopolitans in me - then I'm a GREAT dancer!), but I am loving the chance to move my body again. I am clearly out of shape - my only dancing over the past year has consisted of a lively group dance at our block party during our "Mickey" tribute and solo dancing around the house with my iPod on (new favorite: "Pata Pata" by Miriam Makeba, a song from the 60's that is featured on a TV commercial). Dancing makes me feel strong, and alive, and joyful, and invincible. (Oh yeah, and awkward too, but it's like my singing - put the music on loud enough and it drowns out and obscures my poor performances!). The biggest challenge in dance class (and spinning too, which I have started up again as well)? The excessive dry mouth (a side effect of the surgery and radiation) that comes with vigorous activity, resulting in a need to drink water more frequently during exercise. A small price to pay though for the chance to whirl and chacha and swivel and salsa.
Updates on: THE HAIR (oh never mind, it's just a mess for now anyhow); taste (about 90% back and the last 10% is really a matter of degree on certain foods); appearance (the left side of my face, once way puffier than the right side after the surgery, is now thinner than the right side as the effects of the radiation continue. Not terribly noticeable to anyone but me. Improvement is in very small increments and I continue to imagine that I look worse than I do); weight (it has been a HUGE amount of fun re-gaining the 12 pounds I lost during radiation and I fit into all my old clothes now - it's like I have a whole new wardrobe without spending any money!). Believe it or not, I really feel...healthy.
Some folks needing our prayers: the Stein family, the Hughes family, the Ryan family, and the many people of Haiti struggling to overcome this most horrible of disasters. May God watch over them as he did Jessica, who flew out of Haiti just 2 hours before the earthquake struck. I thank Him for sparing her mother (my friend Joanne) the profound heartbreak of losing a daughter whose smile inspires love in all who are lucky enough to receive its gift and who will get to dance another day.
Blessings and Love to All.
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