One Week

What a difference a week makes. Last week I wrote that I had no major side effects yet (other than lack of taste and a dry mouth). This week...a totally different story.

Amazingly, right now I long for the days when my only problem was that I couldn't taste food. My poor oral cavity is so swollen and so filled with radiation sores that it is hard to speak, and almost impossible to eat. The lesions are everywhere - on my tongue (right where it brushes against the teeth when talking, drinking or eating), on my lip, on the inside of my cheeks - and they are large and deep. The pain is almost constant. My only consolation (and it's a small one because this really does SUCK big time) is that only one side of my face is affected (Patty, I don't know how your brother survived bi-lateral radiation). It took every ounce of toughness (some would say stupidity) I have to teach Sunday School today because every time I spoke it was torture. Thank goodness Taryn was there to handle some of the lesson (which was "Jesus Ascends" and don't think I wasn't wishing at times that I was going with Him!).

Oh, I get some temporary relief now and then (and by temporary I mean minutes of relief, not hours) by gargling and rinsing with various and sundry products and mixtures (hey, at least I can't taste how bad they are). I'm sure I could take some strong painkillers (God knows I have enough of those in the house) but I hate feeling out of it in addition to everything else and I don't want to waste what energy I do have lolling around in a stupor.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble focusing on just getting through day-to-day because I can't help thinking over and over how much longer I have ("I'm not even halfway through and it's already this bad?!" "It's only May 3rd, this is going to go on until the 27th?!" "I'm going to feel this way on my BIRTHDAY??!!"). I long to get back to yoga classes (I'm very bad at solo meditation), where focusing on the present seemed to come so much easier. I do see the plastic surgeon this week for a follow-up visit - perhaps clearance for exercise will be in the cards (if not, I want new cards!).

Deep breath. And another. And another.

And another.