End of the Line

Whoa - don't panic! The title is referring to the fact that I finished radiation treatments today. Plenty more gas left in this tank baby.

I am very relieved this is over. Without a doubt, radiation is/was worse than the surgery and in some ways worse than chemo. At least with chemo I'd have a couple of totally miserable days, then a couple of weeks of almost-normalcy. Once the side effects kicked in with the radiation - nothing but misery and the last two weeks (and next two weeks as well) have been particularly painful. I actually took a heavy-duty painkiller tonight because my mouth is just screaming with hurt (so once that starts to take effect it will be adios on the blog). I consider myself pretty tough, got myself off painkillers fairly quickly in the hospital and haven't used any since I've been home, except for the occasional Tylenol or Motrin. But I sissied out tonight - I figured that after driving home from work crying for 20 exits or so on the LIE I deserved a little break.

One of the worst parts was not being able to cry TO anybody, not being able to reach out for comfort because of not being able to talk without further adding to the pain. It's hard when I can't explain what hurts and when I can't express frustration at the slow process of treatment and when I want to vent about what a huge mistake it was to even have the surgery (not really, but it's what I feel at times) and when I want to just cry over the fact that I will be forever disfigured and freakish looking. I know I pour much of this out when I blog, but I would have loved to have picked up the phone while driving (yes, hands free!) and called Lysa or Patty or Mary to share my sorrowful tale of woe.

Instead, while I'm heading home I try to distract myself by turning on my satellite radio. First song up tonight? "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" by Culture Club. I actually said out loud, "Are you kidding me?" I changed the station...to hear "Burnin' for You" by Blue Oyster Cult. Come on! Another conspiracy? Like the food commercials? Thank goodness when I switched again it was to a song that was relatively benign vis-a-vis my circumstances ("Sober" by Pink). Then again, I haven't had anything to drink since this ordeal began...

And of course, there is always something to remind me that I am not nearly as bad off as many others. Witness today when, as I was leaving, I spotted a young girl, four years old, hair just starting to grow in after chemo, surgical mask on her face, sitting patiently on her mother's lap, awaiting her first radiation treatment. I pray her journey is a more comfortable one than mine, that her prognosis is a good one, that her mother has the strength to bear the illness of her precious child, that health and a long life awaits her. And I thank God for the bounty of good health enjoyed by my own children.

Fashion alert - I am wearing high heels again. Flats...be gone! Now if I could only find some clothes that fit (amazingly, an inability to eat much causes weight loss). Not to worry...I plan on putting a fair amount of what I've lost (about 20 pounds) right back on. As soon as I can taste food that is.

My 50th birthday has come and gone with little fanfare at home (although Taryn and Ian both made me feel quite special with the gifts they chose for me), but a sweet celebration at work. Sheryl very considerately made me a jello mold, knowing I couldn't really have or enjoy cake (this is a very big deal - Sheryl does NOT regularly make desserts, so she gets a shout-out for that), and there were banners and streamers and flowers and cards. And lots of birthday wishes from all of you. It may not have been the birthday I was dreaming of, but on a certain level I felt wonderful about having fought so hard to make it this far. Many more, many more...

And now, the "I love you man" moment has arrived so I will take my leave to enjoy this little pain-free buzz that I will pay for tomorrow with grogginess and, quite possibly, crankiness...but that's tomorrow and this is tonight. Is that a smile on my face?

Blessings and Love to All.