Doctor, Doctor

Monday's doctor visit was relatively routine (well, as routine as a visit to the oncologist can get!) - discussion about how I'm handling treatment, any side effects, what my mood is like, a cursory physical examination. She remarks that she will do the next treatment on the 30th (next Tuesday) and then 2 weeks after that do the PET Scan and CT Scan to determine how much more (if any) chemo to give. Bells and whistles go off - PET Scan? Last time we spoke it was only going to be the CT of the jaw; now she wants a whole body PET. Further questioning reveals that she is concerned about my tumor markers, which still seemed high after the first treatment. She says she will do blood work next Tuesday and see where I'm at - she'd like to see the markers at least stabilize if not go down.

I leave her office and the thoughts spiral WAY out of control: The chemo isn't working; the PET will show more spots; this is the beginning of "The End". All this stomach-churning, dizzying conjecture despite evidence and knowledge to the contrary - my jaw hasn't hurt in many weeks (she believes chemo is shrinking the tumor); the PET 3 months ago showed nothing other than the jaw tumor (what do I really think has changed?); she has shown no new sense of urgency regarding the findings, in fact delayed the CT Scan (she was originally going to do it this week). There is no reason for my level of agitation to increase like this. And THIS is what drives me crazy sometimes, what challenges my ability to stay positive, what makes me feel so completely and utterly ALONE, this downright mean unraveling of my present and pulverizing of my future.

I drive home from the doctor's office, breathing...breathing...breathing...until I arrive back at "today" and remember that there is nothing I can do that I am not already doing to regain my health and prolong my life and maintain my composure and enjoy the time I have with all those I love and cherish. Peace descends upon my mind. For now.

It is Christmas Eve and I anticipate with pleasure, as I have for 17 years now, Taryn opening her gifts tomorrow morning and squealing with delight. It is as joyful today as it was when she was young and I thank God again for the privilege of being her mother.

Blessings to all on this most holy of nights and may Jesus fill your hearts as Santa fills your stockings!